Greed. (Finders Keepers)

"Sometimes it feels as if everyone is leaving. They used to all be there and no matter how greedy it seems, I wanted to keep them forever. We can't all get what we want in life, but I really wanted to. I wanted to have it all. I wanted it because I don't know if I could be by myself with out it all. Nothing feels the same anymore. It used to all be so different. I used to always preach about happiness, and I finally realized that it was easy to preach because I already had it. I was happy and content and care free. What happened to the people I used to depend on the most? Why does it always feel as if I'm the only fighting? Sometimes it just feels as if I'm the only one who cares enough to fight. I know I'm not alone. I know there are a lot of people who are there for me, but I still feel so alone. Why. I just want to know why. Why can't I let myself try to be happy? I did try. And I was almost okay, and I almost had that one moment of care free bliss. But within an instance, it was gone and I have no idea why I let it go, and if it was even in my power to let it go. Maybe, deep down inside I know that I'm not going to try and feel better again because I will always be this greedy.I will always want so many things and i know I'm not going to be happy without them. I'm a greedy person. I know greed corrupts us all...."

Break Down.

So I learned that trying to keep everything together is not the same thing as actually having everything together. Everything built up and I couldn't stop it, I just finally broke down in the bathroom at school. It felt horrible. My eyes got all red and swollen and it just really sucks. I feel so helpless sometimes...I can't help it. I honestly wish I could get away from everyone. I feel horrible because I always get hurt..& it's just so easy for me to get hurt by someone. I'm really really fragile right now, and I feel like within an instance I could just break.

Again.

If you can even break more then once.

What else is there left to break.

The pieces left?

Be Strong.

Oh darling,
Don't let these tears reign over you,
Be strong and watch them fade away,
They roll down the sides of your porcelain skin,
Let them roll right off of your face,
Don't let yourself sink it too deep,
Or be dragged off far away,
Running is never the hard part,
The hard part is always staying,
So stay for all the things to stay for,
And all you have left to say,
Don't let yourself feel hurt,
And don't let yourself feel this way,
Don't feel so down and lowly,
And even try to say,
That any hurt you've been thru, you deserved to feel that way,
So let yourself feel strong and proud,
And ignore the things they say,
The only thing to remember is that;
You're as strong as you let yourself believe.

How Does One Move On?

"When moving on you must decide what you keep and what you let go of. Thats another one of my problems. I want to hold on to the good memories and everything good that is left, but the problem for me is that when I hold on to the good memories I want to relive them and make them a reality again. But then, if I don't hold onto the good memories, what does that mean? That I should hold onto the bad memories? But bad memories just bring pain and unhappiness and I don't want that either. So what does that mean for me? They are both really big loads to carry and at the same time, sure it might be easier to not even carry the loads at all, but is it worth just not carrying at all? I want to let go of the bad memories because I want to be able to forgive and move on, but when left with just good memories, won't it just remind me of how these good memories are just good memories and won't that just bring me back to bad memories. I'm also afraid of false hope. False hope towards how maybe things will be the same again, some way, some how, but disappointment after a false hope? I don't think I could handle that at. all. "

A Passage..

I think for now I'm just going to post some passages from the journal I've been keeping. (=

" Sometimes it felt as if life was so unfair. And it felt like it was so unfair to me, and instead of fighting for everyone elses rights and wants, I realized I should have been fighting for myself this whole time. I shouldn't have pushed what I wanted, I should have pushed what was good for me. What I really needed was to take care of myself. I spent so much energy worrying and stressing and I didn't even realize how bad it was for me. I mean, I spent all this time believing that I didn't deserve half of the things I got, well then, why was I making it so much more difficult for me? If someone was hurting me and making my life difficult, well, why were they even in my life at all? If I didn't deserve something, I sure as hell wasn't going to take it from anyone. I can't change the fact that life is unfair. that's how it's always going to be. But I could change how I felt about life's unfairness."

Sorriez!

Sorry for not posting for soooo long )= Alotta stuffs been going on, but not all hope is lost! I have a journal and will be posting passages soon (= 

ttyl for whoever is actually reading x]

lahve lahve lahve lahve yew*

I was wrong. Not everyone was meant to be happy.