Happy New Years Eve!!

It's December 31st! Its time for obnoxiously loud fireworks, and being stuck in smoke you can barely breath in! I love New Years Eve, I really do. I love setting off fireworks, even though I'm a total wimp. I'm a 24/7 klutzz, so on New Years Eve, I am a total safety hazard. I remember last year, we had this little box we were going to light. I went over to light it, and then I ran away as quickly as I could, and I remember accidentally knocking it over, and it was pointing STRAIGHT at us. That was a total ohhhhh sh*t moment XD I hope everyone has a good new years eve, and an even better 2010! Remember to set goals for yourself, because it's worth looking back on New Years Eve of 2010 being proud of all the accomplishments you had in 2010. So, it's the time of the year to be greatly inspired and ambitious. Let's start 2010 with a bang everyone (:

*Loveeee,
Yours Truly ^_^

I Evolved Into A Beast XD

It's that time of the month againnnnnn...
I can't say that I'm the kind of person who doesn't get any side effects or anything, because I mean I'm the poster child for what people would be like without midol (Don't know what it is? Google it :) >.< Seriously, I could just blow up about anything. I could be eating cereal or something and maybe I'll be slightly  irritated, and if you thought it'd be a good idea to talk to me while I was eating cereal, I would say, that honey you thought wrong. Cereal can be quite deadly* Honestly I don't know how people put up with me during that time of the month. Maybe they just track it and hide from me when it comes. You know how in Michael Jackson's Thriller video he has him like evolving into a werewolf @.@ That's kind of how I get. Haha I won't even deny it. <----- That right there is me too. Except I'm like a werewolf that has discovered Nair. Which reminds me, has anyone else ever used Nair and found that the beginning tingling sensation you thought it was turned into a burning sensation that was less of a sensation but just more of a burning? Just curious* Anyways, readers, be glad. Be real glad. Be grateful. Be real grateful. There is the entire internet between us, for the others, they aren't so lucky ;D XD 

It's Just Not Karma.

Sometimes things seem so unfair. Sometimes we don't deserve what we're getting. Sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes...it's just not karma. 

I feel so alone sometimes because I have so much I want to say, but I feel like no one would believe me, or no one would understand. 

I feel like sometimes, no one is even trying to hear me...even though I'm not saying anything.

I feel scared, that people won't understand.

I feel frustrated that people can't understand.

I feel fed up because I've had to deal with so many things for such a long time.

I hate myself for feeling this way.

I hate that I hate myself when I believe that it's not my fault. That it's not just me.

I feel like I'm a horrible person.

I hate that I think I'm a horrible person.

I feel like I don't deserve any of this.

Why won't anyone even try to listen to me when I'm crying and screaming and saying that "I'm not the criminal, I'm the victim."

What Could I Possibly Mean To You?

Sometimes you can try so hard to be good enough for someone, but it doesn't matter at all. Sometimes it feels like I'm nothing, and it feels like I'm nothing to everyone. I could try so hard to please my parents, to be a fraction of what they expect me to be, and yet, no matter how hard I try. And I know that that's the point, to fail, but there's a fine line between teaching your kid a lesson, and just plain cruelty. Sometimes I'll end up just crying in a locked bathroom and it's like noone cares enough to ask me what's wrong, but rather what the hell is wrong with me because it is all my fault, and it's nothing to cry over, since it's all my fault. And I'm sick of trying to talk to people about how I feel and their response being how much that sucks. Do you think I don't know that? So thank you for that little refresher, but I couldn't care less. I'm sick of it and I'm through. I'm sick of trying to make people who don't care about me happy. My mom just walked into my room and totally yanked the door open knocking down everything on my shelf and walked through it all and yanked the other door open and slammed it against my closet. Now there's real decency for you. I wish I had someone to tell me that it's not my fault. I don't need anyone to be sensible or tell me that it sucks. I need someone to tell me that it is not my fault. BECAUSE IT'S NOT. And 99frikin% of the time IT'S NOT. But hey, what could I possibly mean to anyone? I'm just a lowly ungrateful bitch of a child. I'm not worth shit to anyone.

You Don't Know.

I know life has it's ups and downs, but knowing that fact does not make the downs any more enjoyable then they already are. But you know what bugs me? I mean, if you've been trying to keep up with me, then you probably know tons by now, but you what really bugs me? I mean, really. It absolutely kills me when people think that they know what it's like to be me. I hate it when people think they know what I'm feeling, but they don't. That is my entire point. You don't know, because you're not me. It kills me so incredibly much that I'm on the verge of just breaking down already. Don't you just hate it when people think they know what you're feeling, and what's really going on with you, but they don't. And they don't even know the first thing about it? I mean honestly, what do you think you know? And what do you know? I mean I can't always tell someone what I'm feeling or what's going on because, what if I promised someone I wouldn't? Honestly, I want to tell someone, I want to tell them so bad, to share my pain, for someone to just look me in the eyes and honestly say that things will get better, and it is not my fault, but I can't. I can't, because I'm so deathly afraid that they won't understand. And they can't, because they're not me, and they don't know what it feels like to feel some of the things I feel, and to go through some of the things I've been through, but why would I ever, ever let someone I care about feel something like that, when I know how cruel of a feeling it is. I'm scared, and I'm angry, and I'm confused, and I'm sad, and I'm lost. Don't ask me what's wrong, and if I'm okay, and even try to pretend for a second that you really care.  I feel so alone because there's a crowd of people to talk to, but I feel like the only person who would ever understand is myself. So trust me, please just trust me when I say that you don't understand because you are not me.

I Trust You With My Heart.

Truth be told,

I'm scared. 

I'm scared of who I used to be,

Of if that person could still be me,

Of if I'm strong enough to say,

I'm a different person today.

Sometimes fear is a good thing,

It keeps you on the edge,

But when stuck in fear and drowned in doubt,

Trusting someone is your only way out.

I'm not that very trusting,

I'm not going to lie to myself,

But honestly,

I trust you,

And to me that means alot.

I know you'd never catch me,

Because I know you'd never let me fall,

There's nothing left to be scared of,

No reason to be scared at all.

Self Something.

You know how sometimes you just totally zone out, and you're lying down on your bed staring at the ceiling. It's like nothing is going on in your head, except for like... everything. And I don't know, it might've been the color of the ceiling, or like the song that was playing, or the smell of the room, I DON'T KNOW, but something, something made me realize that I have A LOT of things wrong with me. I'm talking like, TONS of faults. My list of faults is longer than Santa's list of naughty children. 

It is that bad.

First of all, I'm incredibly loud and obnoxious. Like, if I had to replay the way I talked, I would pretty much get duct tape and just GO FOR ME. Ugh, and I'm kind of dramatic. Well not like really super bad dramatic, it's just, I over think things, basically. Like, I over analyze EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about ANYTHING&EVERYTHING. So if you do something, and I'll be like, ooooo, what does that mean? And maybe all of that thinking will lead me to think someones mad at me or something. I mean, I have really good intuition, so most of the time, I'm actually right, but like 80% of the time, I'm just FREAKING PARANOID. Okay, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm really annoying too. Maybe it's because I'm so happy and excited and spastic ALL the time, that it makes me do stuff like talk really loud, or talk for a really long time, or repeat a word over and over again. Ugh. *Brings out duct tape* & like, I'm actually a REALLY CLINGY PERSON. Like, I'll always want to be by someone, and talk to them, and I don't even like KNOW man. I need to give people more space, and let them come to me on their own, or let them tell me when they do want me to come. It's just, there's so much more, and it's all running through my head, and like, noticing everything that's wrong with you, it kind of makes you want to shut up, and just like, leave everyone alone. Its like I have to watch everything I do, and listen to everything I say, and just, be careful. I'm surprised how anyone could like me. I think, for now, I just have to back off off everyone, and just...I don't know, it's like the people who can handle you at your worst, deserve to be with you at your best. Oh god, I don't even know anymore. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Maybe I just need some reassurance. Is this really what I'm like? Who I am? It's like I want to know what I'm really like, what people really think, but at the same time, it'd break my heart to hear it, maybe because I already know what's it's going to be like. I just hope I can fix my faults, and soon.  Self realization is a bitch, ain't it?