To whom do I point my finger at?

It's hard to put blame on someone, and say whom is at fault. Everyone believes that they are right. Even when confronted with a different perspective, their own perspective still stands strong in their minds. The way I see it is that, you can never fix things and move on unless you understand and accept the concept that you can be wrong. So, with that being said, I've gotten into this horrible habit of always putting the blame on me. I always find fault within myself. And people actually do try to put the blame on me for things as well. Things that I don't believe are my fault. But now I'm at a crossroad. The blame is put on me, but I'm also at fault for always blaming myself, but I feel as though I'm not the one to blame. But I'm the type of person who feels terrible for putting the blame on someone else. But honestly, this is tearing me apart. I didn't do this, you did. And I'm the only one getting hurt. Man up. If you have any pride at all, you'll take responsibility for this, and do something about it. Fix it. Because I'm falling apart.

Eating me alive from the inside.

It feels as if I’m being eaten alive from the inside out. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was improving. I mean, I had taken all the right steps. I was doing everything that I was supposed to do. I don’t understand how this is happening, or why. What am I doing wrong? Where do I go from here? How do I get better? I can’t keep pretending that things are going to get better. I can’t live a lie and hope that one day that lie becomes the truth. It’s like how you can’t pretend you’re happy, and hope that one day you’ll just become happy. Life is real. And every part of it has to be real too. I can’t run away anymore either. I can’t keep running away and hiding and ‘taking breaks’ every time life becomes too hard and I can’t handle things anymore. I can’t just drop everything and everyone and move on either. So I’m running out of options. I don’t understand how I can be doing so well but not feeling so well about it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do -where I’m supposed to go from here. All I know is that, this isn’t okay right now. And really, all I want to do is take a break from the world, run and hideaway.

I wait.

I still wait.

I still hope that one day you’ll call me up and ask if I have some time to spend with you. I still hope that one day you’ll start a conversation first with me. I still hope that sometimes, when you’re all alone, or maybe if you’re in a crowd, you’ll think of me. I still hope that sometimes you miss me. I still hope that going somewhere we’ve been, triggers a memory, and makes you think of me. I still hope that deep inside, that you miss me - maybe, just maybe, as much as I miss you. I still hope that you know that I have never walked away from you, nor will I ever. I still hope that you know that your place in my heart is as big as it always has been. I still hope that you know that if you needed me, I’d be there in a instant. I hope you know that there is no anger associated with you in my mind. I hope you understand someday, how much you still mean to me, and how it hurts now more than ever. I still wait for the day that we can have more than a generic conversation, because we are both engaged, and we both are genuinely there.

I still wait for the day that you understand.

I still wait for the day that you miss me back just as much.

I still wait for the day you decide to call me back.

For the day that you want to start over again.

For the day that you want to rebuild again.

For the day that you want to sincerely let go of the mistakes, and the hurt that we have both caused and endured.

For the day that we can both say we’re sorry.

For the day we can honestly in our hearts forgive.

For the day we realize where we are now.

For the day that we both realize it’s still not too late.

For the day that I’ve been praying about in my heart, will become one day soon.

We all need something to believe in.

So where is my something? I don't believe in myself that much. And when I believe in other people, most times they let me down. So who do I believe in? God? But how can we believe in a God who, although have made such great things happen, have also let such horrible things happen in life. I know religion is all about having faith in a higher power, but should I even be asking God to prove that he exists? Maybe because I say he doesn't exist, to me, he doesn't. But that's not right. Well, God. Life feels like such shiet right now. So I guess that means...I should put even more faith in you than ever.

Love Always,
Me <3

It's been quite a while

Well, I've missed you blogger. I really have. And trust me, not much has changed. Still the troubled rebel teen. Some things never do change.

I Shall Not Let Myself Fall...

Have you ever convinced yourself out of liking someone, or anyone in general, because you won't allow yourself to get hurt? I can't decide whether this is a good method or not. Am I protecting my own self too much? am I sheltering my self in such a way that I don't let the bad nor the good happen to me? I know fate is fate, and what shall happen shall happen, but in a way, I'm stopping fate, and I'm changing what could happen...

Oh @#$%^.

I'm messing with the universe again.

What Can I Say?

I have a secret.

Let's keep it between us.

If I could change myself, I'd be 20lbs skinnier.

I'd do anything.

Mysteries in life.

What is wrong with me?

Can I ever be loved?

My Essence.

My essence,
bottled and capped,
Each breath you take,
Feel it.
Take it in.
It captivates you,
And you’re drawn to my love,
But my essence starts to leak,
You catch them like drops of rain,
Please,
Pour them back into me,
Who am I without what I am?
You’ll always have a part of me,
But please don’t take what you don’t need.

A Battlefield.

Love and life is a battlefield,
& Ask yourself,
"Who are you fighting for?"
"What do you stand for?"
"And what does that say?"
"Would you be proud to go down that way?"
Your words cut like knives,
But your actions are killer,
The lies and the truths are nothing but fillers,
Love is nothing without trust on it's side,
Trust must be given,
& Will be received in time,
So pick your battles,
& Pick your wars,
Always look ahead,
But never straight forward.

Sonnets :O

Feeling kind of lost on roads I walk on,
Trying to find my footsteps within a crowd,
Walking in all directions until I'm gone,
I try to hear the silence though it's loud.

There are some paths I wish I didn't choose,
But wrong or right they've taken me to here,
Got everything to gain, but none to lose,
Live life in doubt is to live life in fear.

The whole world lies in front of my own eyes,
But I'm not quite sure where I want to go,
I'll listen to the truths as well as lies,
The heart will know just where it wants to go.

But is there even more out there for me?
I guess there's more to life than what I see.

I am feeling kind of lost.

I am feeling kind of lost.
Footsteps all surround me,
I try to find my own,
I get tangled up in everyone's paths,
Our paths intertwine,
Like knots in shoelaces,
They're knots that I'd never untie,
Circling around,
I pace to find it,
Where all the knots become one,
Circling around,
I pace to find it,
I pace to find the unknown.
I am feeling kind of lost.

Ugh.

Sometimes...
I feel so betrayed and hurt.
Sometimes it feels as if I have had been SO hurt that I don't even try to touch the wound anymore.
It's not even a wound, it's a GASH and no one even cares even to try and make it better.
I am so done putting in all the effort, I have given up trying.
I am so done putting up with everyone's shit.
I am so sick of looking like the bad person.
I am NOT the bad person.
No one even cares about me.
No one truly even cares about me.
Because the people I thought once cared about me the most...
well it was all a lie.
Everything was a lie.
It was silly of me to believe it wasn't.
Everyone ends up leaving in the end.
And everyone ends up stabbing you right in the heart right before they leave too.

Fighting.

"Why am I still fighting? Why doe it feel like I'm the only one fighting to keep everyone in my life? Why does it feel more like I'm fighting to keep myself in everyone else's life? people are wrong about war. If you're the only one left fighting on the battlefield, it doesn't make you the winner, it in fact makes you the loser. Why won't anyone fight for me? why won't anyone else fight for me to be in their lives? Why should I have to be the one to fight? I get nothing out of it. I am so frustrated with everything and my life. I don't understand how the people who were so close to me can now watch me fall to pieces. You used to be there to make sure I never fell, and if anything that you were there to catch, me. You used to make it seem like it was impossible to see me unhappy or hurt. You felt that way because you cared about me. Now when you see me, you just feel bad. Not that you don't care about me, I bet you do, but you don't do anything. I am important. I'm sure I am, but not as important. I can never be again what I once was to all of you."

Greed. (Finders Keepers)

"Sometimes it feels as if everyone is leaving. They used to all be there and no matter how greedy it seems, I wanted to keep them forever. We can't all get what we want in life, but I really wanted to. I wanted to have it all. I wanted it because I don't know if I could be by myself with out it all. Nothing feels the same anymore. It used to all be so different. I used to always preach about happiness, and I finally realized that it was easy to preach because I already had it. I was happy and content and care free. What happened to the people I used to depend on the most? Why does it always feel as if I'm the only fighting? Sometimes it just feels as if I'm the only one who cares enough to fight. I know I'm not alone. I know there are a lot of people who are there for me, but I still feel so alone. Why. I just want to know why. Why can't I let myself try to be happy? I did try. And I was almost okay, and I almost had that one moment of care free bliss. But within an instance, it was gone and I have no idea why I let it go, and if it was even in my power to let it go. Maybe, deep down inside I know that I'm not going to try and feel better again because I will always be this greedy.I will always want so many things and i know I'm not going to be happy without them. I'm a greedy person. I know greed corrupts us all...."

Break Down.

So I learned that trying to keep everything together is not the same thing as actually having everything together. Everything built up and I couldn't stop it, I just finally broke down in the bathroom at school. It felt horrible. My eyes got all red and swollen and it just really sucks. I feel so helpless sometimes...I can't help it. I honestly wish I could get away from everyone. I feel horrible because I always get hurt..& it's just so easy for me to get hurt by someone. I'm really really fragile right now, and I feel like within an instance I could just break.

Again.

If you can even break more then once.

What else is there left to break.

The pieces left?

Be Strong.

Oh darling,
Don't let these tears reign over you,
Be strong and watch them fade away,
They roll down the sides of your porcelain skin,
Let them roll right off of your face,
Don't let yourself sink it too deep,
Or be dragged off far away,
Running is never the hard part,
The hard part is always staying,
So stay for all the things to stay for,
And all you have left to say,
Don't let yourself feel hurt,
And don't let yourself feel this way,
Don't feel so down and lowly,
And even try to say,
That any hurt you've been thru, you deserved to feel that way,
So let yourself feel strong and proud,
And ignore the things they say,
The only thing to remember is that;
You're as strong as you let yourself believe.

How Does One Move On?

"When moving on you must decide what you keep and what you let go of. Thats another one of my problems. I want to hold on to the good memories and everything good that is left, but the problem for me is that when I hold on to the good memories I want to relive them and make them a reality again. But then, if I don't hold onto the good memories, what does that mean? That I should hold onto the bad memories? But bad memories just bring pain and unhappiness and I don't want that either. So what does that mean for me? They are both really big loads to carry and at the same time, sure it might be easier to not even carry the loads at all, but is it worth just not carrying at all? I want to let go of the bad memories because I want to be able to forgive and move on, but when left with just good memories, won't it just remind me of how these good memories are just good memories and won't that just bring me back to bad memories. I'm also afraid of false hope. False hope towards how maybe things will be the same again, some way, some how, but disappointment after a false hope? I don't think I could handle that at. all. "

A Passage..

I think for now I'm just going to post some passages from the journal I've been keeping. (=

" Sometimes it felt as if life was so unfair. And it felt like it was so unfair to me, and instead of fighting for everyone elses rights and wants, I realized I should have been fighting for myself this whole time. I shouldn't have pushed what I wanted, I should have pushed what was good for me. What I really needed was to take care of myself. I spent so much energy worrying and stressing and I didn't even realize how bad it was for me. I mean, I spent all this time believing that I didn't deserve half of the things I got, well then, why was I making it so much more difficult for me? If someone was hurting me and making my life difficult, well, why were they even in my life at all? If I didn't deserve something, I sure as hell wasn't going to take it from anyone. I can't change the fact that life is unfair. that's how it's always going to be. But I could change how I felt about life's unfairness."

Sorriez!

Sorry for not posting for soooo long )= Alotta stuffs been going on, but not all hope is lost! I have a journal and will be posting passages soon (= 

ttyl for whoever is actually reading x]

lahve lahve lahve lahve yew*