Damn.

Wowwww, " I hope I don't mess up my messed up mess up even more. "

Well it's too late for that. What the HELL IS MY PROBLEM? I ALWAYS confront people, especially when I'm not supposed to. And I am SO OFFENDED by EVERYTHING! I mean you say one thing to me, and my mind just goes into overdrive, it's like "Oh...What does THAT mean?" or like "God, wtf?" or "Oh that's so nice." I am one of those people that you pretty much need to spell things out to, because I can not read people. I mean I can read people, like I can sorta tell if something's bothering them, by the way they act, like if they're super peevy, you can tell they're peeved. So anyways, what's my plan?

To shut up.

Just not say anything.

I just need to SHUT. UP.

No more words.

Words ruin everything.

At this point,

words can't be the thing that fixes anything.

Poor Dying Trees.

Have you ever felt like you were absolutely hopeless? It's like you see one of those dying trees, I mean it's dying for gods sake. Technically it's alive, but technically it was always dying. Kind of like us huh? I mean we're alive, but technically we're just dying every minute. There are things we do to help our life span increase, but in the end we all just rise, fall, and hopefully rise again. But I just feel so hopeless because my mess up is remaining messed. up. I can't blame it on anyone but myself, because technically I was the one who messed it up in the first place. And this is bad, I mean this is REAL bad for me to even feel this way, but I just feel like it's not ALL. MY. FAULT. But when I slap myself back into reality, I realize that ohemgee, it totally frikkin is. But it's just like, everything was said, everything was brought to the table, but at the same time, I bite my tongue SO HARD that it's bleeding out the words and silent screams that I can't even utter myself. There are just things that I want, or need to say, but at this point I don't know which one it is. If I say them, and it's taken the wrong way, then I pretty much just messed up my mess up even more. Sometimes I wish that other people could think and see things the way I did, but I'm scared that if they did, they would hate me even more. I'm such a horrible person and friend. People can handle me, they can't take me, and I guess one way or the other I screw them over even if I had no intention to do so. But all I ask this time is not an apology, not a dramatic leave, not some tragic sob story, I just ask, no I BEG on my hands and knees for forgiveness. We can never truly forgive and forget, but maybe that's what makes it so great, that once you forgive, the things you can't forget help you move on.

Sorry's Not Enough This Time.

I was such a bad friend. And the worst part is, when I did these horrible things to my best friend, I didn't even realize I was doing it. Like exclusion and being a whiny b-.... I have such a bad habit of complaining about things that aren't even that big of a deal, or a deal at all. But sometimes I guess that I feel like no one really gives a shizz about me unless something bad happens to me. Like is it just me, or does no one actually care until your parents beat the shizz out of you or something?! And I'm so JEALOUS TOO. It's not like the 'I want you all to myself' kind of jealous, it's more of the, 'Damn I wish I was like that...." jealous. I see a pretty face and I'm just like damn...I wish I was like that. I think I always knew that I just had it coming. I am soooo naive to think that if I lived life oblivious to everything that nothing could ever go wrong, but then I realized I was being totally oblivious to everything wrong too.