Happy New Years Eve!!

It's December 31st! Its time for obnoxiously loud fireworks, and being stuck in smoke you can barely breath in! I love New Years Eve, I really do. I love setting off fireworks, even though I'm a total wimp. I'm a 24/7 klutzz, so on New Years Eve, I am a total safety hazard. I remember last year, we had this little box we were going to light. I went over to light it, and then I ran away as quickly as I could, and I remember accidentally knocking it over, and it was pointing STRAIGHT at us. That was a total ohhhhh sh*t moment XD I hope everyone has a good new years eve, and an even better 2010! Remember to set goals for yourself, because it's worth looking back on New Years Eve of 2010 being proud of all the accomplishments you had in 2010. So, it's the time of the year to be greatly inspired and ambitious. Let's start 2010 with a bang everyone (:

*Loveeee,
Yours Truly ^_^

I Evolved Into A Beast XD

It's that time of the month againnnnnn...
I can't say that I'm the kind of person who doesn't get any side effects or anything, because I mean I'm the poster child for what people would be like without midol (Don't know what it is? Google it :) >.< Seriously, I could just blow up about anything. I could be eating cereal or something and maybe I'll be slightly  irritated, and if you thought it'd be a good idea to talk to me while I was eating cereal, I would say, that honey you thought wrong. Cereal can be quite deadly* Honestly I don't know how people put up with me during that time of the month. Maybe they just track it and hide from me when it comes. You know how in Michael Jackson's Thriller video he has him like evolving into a werewolf @.@ That's kind of how I get. Haha I won't even deny it. <----- That right there is me too. Except I'm like a werewolf that has discovered Nair. Which reminds me, has anyone else ever used Nair and found that the beginning tingling sensation you thought it was turned into a burning sensation that was less of a sensation but just more of a burning? Just curious* Anyways, readers, be glad. Be real glad. Be grateful. Be real grateful. There is the entire internet between us, for the others, they aren't so lucky ;D XD 

It's Just Not Karma.

Sometimes things seem so unfair. Sometimes we don't deserve what we're getting. Sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes...it's just not karma. 

I feel so alone sometimes because I have so much I want to say, but I feel like no one would believe me, or no one would understand. 

I feel like sometimes, no one is even trying to hear me...even though I'm not saying anything.

I feel scared, that people won't understand.

I feel frustrated that people can't understand.

I feel fed up because I've had to deal with so many things for such a long time.

I hate myself for feeling this way.

I hate that I hate myself when I believe that it's not my fault. That it's not just me.

I feel like I'm a horrible person.

I hate that I think I'm a horrible person.

I feel like I don't deserve any of this.

Why won't anyone even try to listen to me when I'm crying and screaming and saying that "I'm not the criminal, I'm the victim."

What Could I Possibly Mean To You?

Sometimes you can try so hard to be good enough for someone, but it doesn't matter at all. Sometimes it feels like I'm nothing, and it feels like I'm nothing to everyone. I could try so hard to please my parents, to be a fraction of what they expect me to be, and yet, no matter how hard I try. And I know that that's the point, to fail, but there's a fine line between teaching your kid a lesson, and just plain cruelty. Sometimes I'll end up just crying in a locked bathroom and it's like noone cares enough to ask me what's wrong, but rather what the hell is wrong with me because it is all my fault, and it's nothing to cry over, since it's all my fault. And I'm sick of trying to talk to people about how I feel and their response being how much that sucks. Do you think I don't know that? So thank you for that little refresher, but I couldn't care less. I'm sick of it and I'm through. I'm sick of trying to make people who don't care about me happy. My mom just walked into my room and totally yanked the door open knocking down everything on my shelf and walked through it all and yanked the other door open and slammed it against my closet. Now there's real decency for you. I wish I had someone to tell me that it's not my fault. I don't need anyone to be sensible or tell me that it sucks. I need someone to tell me that it is not my fault. BECAUSE IT'S NOT. And 99frikin% of the time IT'S NOT. But hey, what could I possibly mean to anyone? I'm just a lowly ungrateful bitch of a child. I'm not worth shit to anyone.

You Don't Know.

I know life has it's ups and downs, but knowing that fact does not make the downs any more enjoyable then they already are. But you know what bugs me? I mean, if you've been trying to keep up with me, then you probably know tons by now, but you what really bugs me? I mean, really. It absolutely kills me when people think that they know what it's like to be me. I hate it when people think they know what I'm feeling, but they don't. That is my entire point. You don't know, because you're not me. It kills me so incredibly much that I'm on the verge of just breaking down already. Don't you just hate it when people think they know what you're feeling, and what's really going on with you, but they don't. And they don't even know the first thing about it? I mean honestly, what do you think you know? And what do you know? I mean I can't always tell someone what I'm feeling or what's going on because, what if I promised someone I wouldn't? Honestly, I want to tell someone, I want to tell them so bad, to share my pain, for someone to just look me in the eyes and honestly say that things will get better, and it is not my fault, but I can't. I can't, because I'm so deathly afraid that they won't understand. And they can't, because they're not me, and they don't know what it feels like to feel some of the things I feel, and to go through some of the things I've been through, but why would I ever, ever let someone I care about feel something like that, when I know how cruel of a feeling it is. I'm scared, and I'm angry, and I'm confused, and I'm sad, and I'm lost. Don't ask me what's wrong, and if I'm okay, and even try to pretend for a second that you really care.  I feel so alone because there's a crowd of people to talk to, but I feel like the only person who would ever understand is myself. So trust me, please just trust me when I say that you don't understand because you are not me.

I Trust You With My Heart.

Truth be told,

I'm scared. 

I'm scared of who I used to be,

Of if that person could still be me,

Of if I'm strong enough to say,

I'm a different person today.

Sometimes fear is a good thing,

It keeps you on the edge,

But when stuck in fear and drowned in doubt,

Trusting someone is your only way out.

I'm not that very trusting,

I'm not going to lie to myself,

But honestly,

I trust you,

And to me that means alot.

I know you'd never catch me,

Because I know you'd never let me fall,

There's nothing left to be scared of,

No reason to be scared at all.

Self Something.

You know how sometimes you just totally zone out, and you're lying down on your bed staring at the ceiling. It's like nothing is going on in your head, except for like... everything. And I don't know, it might've been the color of the ceiling, or like the song that was playing, or the smell of the room, I DON'T KNOW, but something, something made me realize that I have A LOT of things wrong with me. I'm talking like, TONS of faults. My list of faults is longer than Santa's list of naughty children. 

It is that bad.

First of all, I'm incredibly loud and obnoxious. Like, if I had to replay the way I talked, I would pretty much get duct tape and just GO FOR ME. Ugh, and I'm kind of dramatic. Well not like really super bad dramatic, it's just, I over think things, basically. Like, I over analyze EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about ANYTHING&EVERYTHING. So if you do something, and I'll be like, ooooo, what does that mean? And maybe all of that thinking will lead me to think someones mad at me or something. I mean, I have really good intuition, so most of the time, I'm actually right, but like 80% of the time, I'm just FREAKING PARANOID. Okay, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm really annoying too. Maybe it's because I'm so happy and excited and spastic ALL the time, that it makes me do stuff like talk really loud, or talk for a really long time, or repeat a word over and over again. Ugh. *Brings out duct tape* & like, I'm actually a REALLY CLINGY PERSON. Like, I'll always want to be by someone, and talk to them, and I don't even like KNOW man. I need to give people more space, and let them come to me on their own, or let them tell me when they do want me to come. It's just, there's so much more, and it's all running through my head, and like, noticing everything that's wrong with you, it kind of makes you want to shut up, and just like, leave everyone alone. Its like I have to watch everything I do, and listen to everything I say, and just, be careful. I'm surprised how anyone could like me. I think, for now, I just have to back off off everyone, and just...I don't know, it's like the people who can handle you at your worst, deserve to be with you at your best. Oh god, I don't even know anymore. I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Maybe I just need some reassurance. Is this really what I'm like? Who I am? It's like I want to know what I'm really like, what people really think, but at the same time, it'd break my heart to hear it, maybe because I already know what's it's going to be like. I just hope I can fix my faults, and soon.  Self realization is a bitch, ain't it?

What I Have To Say.

My thoughts on life:

• By letting yourself be depressed about something, you're not giving good things a chance to happen.
• Everything could be painless if you just have a different mindset.
• Friends will tell you what you want to hear and get you through a tough time. Best friends will tell you the truth and get you through life.
• When you give up, you're giving up on the possibly for something beautiful to happen. That possibility could be something that you'll spend a lifetime searching for.
• Don't think that good things aren't happening, think that they will happen.
• There are so many people that would kill to be happy, but the thing is, most of those people could be, if they would let themselves.
• If things aren't going your way, maybe it's because you're not being hopeful in the first place.
• Not having faith in yourself or anyone else will hold you back from being happy.
• Life isn't about learning how to hold on, it's about learning how to move on and take lessons from everything that happens to you; it's about learning how to get back up on your feet and being proud of yourself for doing that.
• Life is about being grateful for the experience and never the result.
• You have to love who you are before you are ready to love anyone else.
• Don't doubt yourself. Doubt will hold you back from everything you are.
• You have to be happy, and give everyone a reason to be happy too. The people who decide to be a part of that happiness and share theirs too, are the people who you will love you the most.
• Your past isn't anything to be ashamed of. Never let it haunt you. Take memories from your past and turn them into lessons, and confidence, and let it build personality and character.
• You can only appreciate what you have if you appreciate what others have. It works both ways.
• Don't be jealous of others. You have to be grateful that they're in your lives, and they're such great role models and people you can look up to.
• Always add a space onto your heart for others. Never let them take a part of you away. 
• Sometimes, the only reason you don't think you're an amazing person, is because you don't think you're an amazing person, not because you really aren't.
• Stop finding things to be sorry about. Stop finding things you need forgiveness for. People forgive, but you have to forgive yourself. Then you can truly move on.
• To stop doubting yourself sounds like the hardest task in the whole world, but really it's not. It's hard because you've given up before truly trying.
• Good things happen to happy people and happy people make good things happen.
  

Like I said, I don't know that much other than the fact that the grass is green and the sky is blue. But maybe, that's all I need to know.

The Grass Is Green, Dearie.

Ok, so, I know music and stuff is always telling you how depressing life is, BUT good things will happen! The trick is, to not worry about how things are going to turn out. Let things just happen. And trust me, they happen.  I'm just so over being sad about everything, about everyone being upset, about the drama, about things that don't even matter. We might not all have everything we would want in life, but you have to make the most of what you do have, and maybe then will you get more of what you do want. You always have to stay positive in life, no matter what. I know, I know, what kind of advice could I give. Like I'm just a stupid naive little teenager. But, you'd be surprised. I mean the only things I really know, is that the sky will always be a shade of blue, and the grass will always be a shade of green. But hey, maybe that's all I need to know.

An Ocean Of Skies.

I'm staring at blank ceilings,
But this paint is so concealing,
I'm searching for some meaning,
What's behind this stone brick wall?
A heart kept in a cage,
Locked up and locked away,
With chains so blindly linked together,
We hoped it wouldn't be this way,
So I lie here alone and waiting,
A darkened sky above me,
With stars that shone as bright as sand,
My hope was slowly fading,
But something changed these skies of gray,
And chased the blackened skies away,
You will no more feel the pain,
Of night displaying your miserable feelings,
Something started happening,
I knew it,
But I didn't know what,
The skies had somehow lightened,
And it brightened my whole world,
It was a reflection of the ocean,
With all its waves of blue,
Crashing on the horizon's surface,
Clouds like sea foam rose for you,
Something broke the water's surface,
Something bright and clear,
The sun was drifting on the sea,
I had fallen for you in too deep,
Your beaming rays matched my beaming smiles,
I wish you'd stay longer,
Just stay for a while,
But the sun must set,
So the colors can change,
With pink and blue and purple waves,
Waves that gently pulled and swayed,
Pulling me in to your gravity,
I look at the sky and the sun begins to rise, 
I'm not scared of the night,
And it's unforgiving ways,
I know the future holds better days. 

Burning Skies.

Every day was a challenge, And things just weren't the same, You could try to avoid your reality, But then you'd be dreaming of better days, And as ambitious as I was, I was barely hanging by a thread, Enough to climb up to the top, And not enough to see overhead, I was lost before you came, I wasn't looking to be found, I didn't have to whisper your name, You heard me calling out somehow, You were like a candle, Whose flame burnt deeply in my eyes, And if I tried to close my eyes, I'd have visions of burning skies, Skies that burned a fiery red, That faded into shades of pink, And shades of pink that warmed the sky, Until it cried a purple ink, A purple ink that stained the sky, And had to be washed away, The ocean sprayed the sky with mist, The purple just blended with blues that stayed, You're everywhere I know you'd be, Because you are a part of me, I'm free of who I used to be, Burning skies are waiting for me.

Good Times, Good Times.

Hello world,

Today I am feeling....

Absolutely terrified.

I am terrified of....

the first dive off the starting block...

...the first stroke you take...

the first breath you breath....

...the first flip turn you make at the wall....

the first time you touch the wall for a finish...

...the first thought you think when you finish a race....

the first time you glance at the time board....

...the first medal you don't get...

the first time you cry....

...the first memory you make...

the first time you're surprised....

...the first time you realize that you kinda sucked.

Some of those are really depressing huh >.<

How about things that are more fun?

I can't wait for....

...the first stupid picture you take...

the first time you scream someones name....

...the first time you lose a slipper....

the first time you buy an oober cool swim suit...

...the first time you take off your shirt then realize you're swim suit isn't under it...

the first time you slip on a puddle of water....

...the first time you get pushed into a pool...

the first time you walk into a store with nothing but swim suits on...

...the first time you're half changed then realize that you left half your clothes outside...

the first time you dance to crazii music....

...the first time you wish someone good luck, and they whoop your ass XD...

the first time you walk into the gas station with a swim suit on and people ask you how the beach was...

...the first time you play on the playground and make it all wet...

the first time you skip down the sidewalk in your swim suit...

...the first time you call out another team and own them in a spirit cheer...

the first time you do biology homework while waiting for an event but can't get it so you ask all the surrounding adults for help...

...the first time you eat real food in hours....

& my favorite...

The first time you decide to skip and dance in the field while the football team is practicing.

I hope everyones day is full of wonderful firsts <3

Dear Best Friend, How Long Has It Been?

So we had this English assignment to write a letter to someone, and I decided to write to my best friend who I haven't seen in years. 

Dear S,

            It's been a while, huh? So I'm sitting in my English class right now, and our assignment is to write a letter to someone. And then all of a sudden, a flashback begins. And you know how in the movies, the room starts to blur and the background's fading? Well that's EXACTLY what happened. Before you know it, I'm stuck in a 3^rd grade memory. You were 8, and I was 7. I remember how people from the Honolulu Star-Bulletin newspaper came in and took a picture of you reading a letter you wrote to the U.S. soldiers in Iraq. You wrote, "I hope you can beat up a lot of bad guys. I believe in you guys. You can do it. You guys rock." I remembered that because I cut that article out from the newspaper and taped it to my wall. I did it because you were my best friend.

            I wanted to let you know, that I've been doing good, and I've missed you so much S. I haven't talked to you since that one time you emailed me after you left for Okinawa in the 6^th grade. I know absence makes the heart grow fonder, but what happens if you never come back? Do you remember how Mr. O brought in popsicles right before you left? I do. We both had orange ones. It was so sad when you left because we were all best friends. . We were pretty much best friends with the whole grade. Didn't you love our school? I just wanted to write this one last letter, so you knew how I felt, because I don't think it ever really sank in. I thought you were the coolest, laid-back, funniest dude I have ever met. You and your crazy hairstyles, and me with my crazy everything.

            I hope you read my letter, because I don't want to have the last word. I hope Okinawa is as cool as you make it seem. Just know that back in Hawaii, your friends will always be there saying, "I believe in you. You can do it. You rock."

                                                                                                With lots of love,

                                                                                                          

 

The Today&Now.

Oh the places we'll go,
Oh the places we'll go,
Such wondrous places to see,
Take a look all around,
Breath it in,
Breath it out,
The essence of the world at your feet,
Such hidden beauty & amazing sites,
Won't lie in the places you'll go,
But really all of this hidden wonder,
Lies in the places you've been before.
So where are we going?
To the future or past?
Do we want to make memories,
or make them last?
I really don't know,
But I'm excited to see,
Oh please take my hand,
& live in the futures past with me.

I can't force a smile upon your face,
I can only let you borrow mine,
And I can't cause good things to happen,
But I'll be damned if I didn't try,
In the dark without a sight,
Let me be your shining light,
So stop it,
I don't dare to hear these words you dare to speak,
1 is lonely,
2 is company,
3 is a crowd,
Put all your trust into me,
and I will never let you down,
I am here for you,
And I say it enough,
you let your guard down,
But your edges are still rough,
Strip down to your soul,
And I'll strip down to mine,
If you fall across the universe,
I'll be there for you on the otherside,
Let me brighten your soul,
Let me brighten your life,
Don't let me be a candle,
In the day time.

Your Own Sea.

You're drowning in your own depression,
My oh my, you're sinking deep,
Please make an effort to kick harder,
There's no ray of light from underneath,
I'd risk every second saving you,
For you're worth every second of my life,
I know you want authentic smiles,
But don't be your own sacrifice,
You're not yourself, but it's quite alright,
It's just the water flooding your mind,
But don't give up kicking,
Try harder, for me,
If you were to drown,
Then I would start sinking,
But I can't keep saving you,
If you only want to drown,
I know you can't help it,
But you won't help yourself,
So I beg you once more,
With my hand held out,
Please take it and trust me,
I'm not like everyone else.
Believe me, please,
For yourself and for me,
If you let yourself drown,
Then I'd be your company.

If There Is A God...

First of all, my family's not very religious, and I haven't gone to church since I was like, ohhh I don't know, maybe like 7 or 8? So I don't know a lot about God, I don't really know much about the bible either. I can't help it if I'm stuck with weird questions while I stare at the ceiling in my room. If I googled it, I probably wouldn't get the answer either, because well, I'm clueless. So my question to you is that, if there really is a God, how can he let such horrible things happen to people who don't deserve it? There are a lot of people who don't deserve to die, and my question is that, how can he let them? How can he let diseases like CANCER live? Is he trying to teach people a lesson? Because at what cost do we have to learn these lessons? I know God exists, and he's not just some myth to believe in, but I need to understand how he can let things happen to people who don't deserve it, when there are people (I'm not saying that they deserve it) but in a way they do. It sucks. Big time. And, where do people go when they die? If God forgives everyone for their sins, then wouldn't we all just be crowding eachother in Heaven? I don't knowwwwwwwwww. I'm soooooooooooooo confuseddddd. I guess sometimes I see someone in my family suffer, and I just can't help but to think, damn, it should've been me.

Ugh.

Ok, is it just me, or does it seem like no matter how hard we try, we always fail our parents. SERIOUSLY. It's not like we do alllllllll this other extra curricular stuff for ourselves. Any one of us could go ahead and play a few sports, learn a few instruments, and try extremely hard at school, but only a few parents would ever care that we do these things for them. Don't get me wrong, we do these things for ourselves too, you know, help us in life, blah blah blah, but they don't understand that we do these things to make you guys, the 'rents, proud of us. Ok, that was my bad, I made playing sports and learning how to play music, and trying extremely hard at school sound like a piece of cake. But ohhhhhh boy, do you guys have a lot to learn. It's a lot harder then it seems, I mean it seems hard in the first place right? EXACTLY. First of all we have to balance out these things and use our 'rents precciousssss money to pay for the lessons. BUT HEY, learning is HARD. I wish my 'rents would give me a little credit, and if not, a little respect here and there? The kid, (you know who I mean) gets whatever she wants. I mean it's not like my 'rents like her, well who knows they could, but it's probably because it'd make us look bad if we denied her something she wanted. So does that mean we just GIVE it to her? How would she like it if I got EVERY THING HANDED TO ME on an effing' diamond plate. Yea. That's right. And have you CONTRIBUTED shit to this family? Have you done anything that SHOWS you deserve shit at all? No, all you do is watch tv and rub it in my face that you can do whatever you want. Well, I work hard every effing' day, and this is what I GET? You know what, everyone can just suck it already. I am sick of feeling like I don't deserve anything, and that people can just push me around, and that I'm not worth respect or anything like that. I'm sick of taking people's shit. Someone wise once told me to say this....
Fuck it.

I Promise....

I promise that commenting on my blog will not lead to death or pain or any kind of cruelty.

Maybe, JUST MAYBE, it'll make the world a better place.

You think about that.

Name Please? Last Name, Child. First Name, Demon.

Long story short, our family's taking care of a kid that's not ours. It's a girl. It's not 8, but not quite 10. And how do I feel about our little bundle of joy? If I were to commit murder, what I would say to the jury is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But you don't understand, I mean she has NOOOOOO manners what-so-ever. And she thinks she's alwayssss right, and when she's upset she'll raise her voice, threaten to call her mom, and says we make her "mad to death". You want me to show you death? I will gladly show you the door to hell, as if you weren't already a citizen there. The worst part is that when she does something wrong, she just smiles and laughs and thinks that makes it ok.

Therapist in my head: And how does that make you feel?

Me: That depends. Should I commit suicide, or murder?

Therapist in my head: Maybe you should tell her how you feel.

Me: I'd have to rid the room of sharp objects first.

Therapist in my head: Oh my, maybe we need to get you some help dearie. *Reaches for a straightjacket*

Me: Help? HELP? HAHAHAHAHAH. Yes. That would be nice.

So as you can see, this kid has....."Got me on my kneeees, I beg you pleaseeeeee, stop playing gamessssssss."

God, I love Duffy and her song Mercy.

Is it still considered child abuse if it's 50% demon and 50% flesh and bones?
Oh....
It is?
$h!+

Does Visualizing Work?

So I have this hugeeee swim meet coming up on Friday, and jeez I am freaking out. I heard that if you visualize yourself swimming or whatever you'll feel better. So I was sitting in my chair, 'visualizing' myself in the pool and all I saw was Dive, Dive, Sink, Sink, Drown, Drown, Drown, CPR. My coach says I don't have good mentality. First I had to look up the word mentality. And then I decided he was right. I don't have any kind of confidence either. But who would? Once you see everyone in all the other lanes far far ahead of you, you don't exactly go, OMFG I COULD TOTALLY WHOOP THEIR ASSES FROM 20 YARDS BEHIND THEM. No. Not at all. You're just kind of like whoop-de-doo, whipped from the start. Then you pass out from being so tired and then you get yelled at for disappointing yourself and everyone else, then you cry a little and then you're like "Damn, shoulda done soccer." I am in no way looking foreword to this swim meet. But the bright side is that hey, if I drown, maybe a hot guy will give me CPR, right?

Don't Pop My Bubble, Dude.

Well it's back to the same old same old. I'm just trying to be fine. Isn't that such a vague word? Fine. How was your day? Fine. How are you? Fine. I'm kind of bothered by that word. Such passiveness and vagueness is annoying. Being bubbly and happy allllll the time can really wear a person out. I mean it's all the smiling and laughing and optimism that is like ohhmyyygodd I just want to scream from putting on this retarded little charade. Honestly I do want to be all happy and bubbly allll the time but it's like when something bad happens you want to like murder someone. But hey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions right?
So yes, the happy me will continue to be happy, because being all upset and pissy and sad all the time will only bring other people down, and in return the Karma Gods are going to shoot me with a bolt of lightning and I will die. Basically, being happy is the only way live. Literally.
I occupy my mind with a billion other things now. I have swimming to worry about. OHMYGOD. THAT REMINDS ME. SWIMMING TOTALLY SUCKS. OH NO WAIT, THAT'S JUST ME. Swim meet = suicide.

Listening To: Ten Days By: Missy Higgins

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I could do is to scrape away at the skin on my body. It's not a big deal, it's not like I'm killing myself. Skin heals, it's not a statement to anybody. It's just how I feel, and it's written on my body, every pent up emotion *cut* every unwanted memory *cut* for every day stuck in this God forsaken hole with out happiness *cut cut cut*. And before you know it, you're staring at all the glowing pink lines on your wrists thinking, Damn it's over. But little girl, you don't know how wrong you are. You're far past the start, and you're too far away from the edge, you're standing in the middle with no where to go. You're thoughts aren't "I don't know if I can do it." they're "I don't know if I can't do it." And yes, it does scare me that I think that. But for some reason it's comforting to know that I have an outlet. I think my stubborness is controlling me, saying that I refuse to feel better until what I need to happen, happens. And the cuts on my wrists just represent the fact that it probably won't.
So, am I sorry I did?
Honestly I don't know.
If someone could save me, right now would be the right time.

Promises Are Lies and Lies Are Just Goals.

So you know how I spent post after post talking about my dream boyfriend(:

Well he broke up with me :'(

And it was because he thinks he's not ready for like a relationship and/or that he's a bad boyfriend.

But dude.

He's not.

And I don't know. Even though it's technically "not my fault" it still feels like it is. Like I could've done something to prevent this. And you know the fucked up part is that it takes 2 people to have a relationship, but it only takes one person to break up the relationship. What happened to my say in this? Oh right, I don't have a say in this. I feel as if everything I ever cared about totally got ripped right out of me. Like this was some cruel joke. To get exactly what I wanted and more just to have it thrown away and burned in this horrible fire. :(

He was the best boyfriend I ever had :] . I hope someone soon will come and save me, and rescue me from this horrific life. I wish it was him, but honestly, he knows it's not him, which makes me feel like all the time and the love and everything I put into this whole thing was worth SHIT. I know he's happier without me, which makes me feel like a loser. A fucked up loser. I deserve far less, and God knows that, and so does everyone else, and that is exactly what I'm going to get.

A Hurtfully Unpainful Epiphany.

Love is portrayed as a hurtful creature,
A beast among them all,
A beast that tears out a heart by it's strings,
An untamed beast not meant for everyone,
Long story short;
Love hurts.
But I don't know if I disagree,
What I feel is torn by two sides,
Neither overcoming my mind,
Love can be an indirect cause of tears,
hurt, and loss,
But love is too timid a creature,
Love, my dear, is not the source of it all.
Love together, hand in hand,
with betrayal and regret,
Can successfully break down the strongest of men,
But love never tries to hurt the innocent.
So maybe love IS dangerous,
But what I've been thinking is this;
Maybe love really does hurt,
But it's a kind of hurt you want to hold on to,
A bruise, or a scab that you like to pick,
But you wouldn't want to live without it,
For this chapter in your life would be over,
This memory would surely be ended.
Love hurts,
and hurt causes pain,
and you could say pain is obsession,
But you wouldn't want this pain to heal,
You want to hold on to it,
For it shows how everything's real.
Since you want to hold on to this craving,
It gives you a reason to think of them,
For all we know;
Love could be obsession.
And so yes,
Maybe love DOES hurt,
But it's a hurt we want to hold on to,
because honestly we wouldn't know how our life would be,
if that pain were to heal.

This Playground of Ours.

Hello my love,
The world is waiting for us,
and it's time we take hold of this playground.
Take the world by it's reigns,
Let blood race through your veins,
It's time to look reality in it's face.
Live it up, don't live down,
Cause commotion in town!,
Give everyone something to talk about.
We are such 'scandalous' people,
Who should be locked up in cages!
We are the people on all your front pages.
You could say that we're felons,
Who rob hell from heaven,
But we're being portrayed as such criminals!
We are much past yesterday,
and tomorrow's in our reach,
So don't wait to live,
Just hold on to your seats!
Yes, we're all just flesh and bones,
biodegradable matter,
But why always be on the negative side?
Optimism is SURELY the answer.
So if you're frowning right now,
Hang upside down on playgrounds,
So then everyone can see your bright smile.
Forget what you know,
Because trust me it's unreal.,
You'll never understand,
Until you trust what you feel.

So Bad it's Not Even Sad.

Too bad, so sad! Well WHO CARES!!! I thought I've been over this, and I'm sure that I have. But I'm going to say it again. I HATE waiting. Especially waiting for someone to come online. I'm not even sure what the feeling is. I don't know if the word is on pause and the only think moving is me waiting slowly, or if I'm on pause waiting, and the whole word is just doing it's thing and revolving. Or maybe it's just BOTH. Even though that doesn't make sense, well everything in my life doesn't make sense. So today, I've spent a little more over 6 hours waiting for someone to go on aim. Or atleast calllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll or something. That's like 1/4th of my day. A FOURTH. And I'm STILL waiting. I hate being the first one to do something. It makes me feel like a GUY in a relationship instead of a GIRL. So I think what I'm trying to say is :/ I feel wanted. Because I am wanted :] But I want to feel needed. And I think I definitely show I need people, but people need to start showing that they need me :[ And if you need me and you don't do something about it. Wellllll, so bad it's not even sad.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over it.

Run, Don't Walk.

Haven't you ever just wanted something exciting to come and just interrupt your thoughts. To paint the walls of your head with colors of the rainbowwww. Well today, is just NOT one of those days. Nothing new has disrupted my thoughts. Nothing amazing has brought brilliance to my eyes. The only thing I see is the irritation killing everything around me. I want to go in to some corner and just be FRUSTRATED. Because that is what I totally FREAKING AM RIGHT NOW. FRUSTRATED AND PISSED AT THIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD. I want someone to come and talk to me. And not have any issues and just TALK to me, and make me laugh. Make me SMILE. And if you can't do that, then just please, PLEASE DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME. I hate waiting, I hate it SO MUCH I want to CRY when I have to wait more than a second to hear a reply. I have waited for things ALL my life, and I don't want to anymore. I am TIRED of it. So if you don't answer me quickly, then just leave me the HELL alone. If you can't answer the phone when I call, don't BOTHER ever calling me. And really, if you can't even just leave a message or something, then why WHY are you my friend? Honestly I don't even know why I'm mad. SO MAD. Maybe because it feels like I'm waiting on the world. Like I'm waiting for someone to keep up the same pace as me. You know? Someone who can reply like LIGHTNING and just be there for me to never miss a second of anything. Every minute you don't answer me, it's a minute wasted. Wasted on waiting. And I hate that. I HATE it. So please, PLEASE world. GIVE me a break. And find someone to keep up the pace with me. Because if noone can, I'll just run circles around the Earth until I find someone who can. Is it that hard to find that quality in someone? Answering me quickly? Maybe it sounds like I want to be a top priority. I don't know, am I a top priority, to anyone? Does someone pay all their attention to me? Maybe I just want attention. ALL of someone's attention. I just want someone to keep up with me. 

"Run don't walk, the sky is falling through."

Completely Irritable.

Hot long days make me irritated.

Waiting makes me irritated.

PEOPLE make me irritated.

So today is hot. And long. And irritating. Everything is irritating about it. What irritates me the most is when people don't answer you right away. Or when you don't really....oh my god what's the word for it. Waiting. Yea, that's it. Honestly. Waiting. Really? I, I HATE waiting. I am no princess. OBVIOUSLY. I don't have servants that wait on me hand and foot. But really, if I have to wait for anything one more time, I'm going to end up flinging myself off a cliff. Might as well cut to the chase, instead of having a slow and painful death waiting to die. Excuse me while I pleasantly go kill myself by jumping off a cliff. I'd rather do that then let this slow irritation SLOWLY irritate me to death. Mr. Irritation, if you're going to kill me, couldya doit a lil faster here?

51 +

I'm adding on to my list, but I didn't want to continue on the same post. Soooo here it goes.

1. If you fucked up, don't try to make excuses for yourself.
2. If something is your fault, then just admit it. Tell her you're sorry, and she'll forgive you. It's that easy.
3. Never leave a girl mad, and never leave things just as they are. Don't even think about leaving until you've fixed things.
4. Sometimes you need more than just an apology to be forgiven.
5. Girls will feel horrible, even when it isn't their fault.
6. Know when to let go of everything.
7. Girls need time to forgive you, don't just apologize a billion times in 5 minutes, I'm sorry should be used in moderation just as well.
8. Always remember the first rule. Saying something sweet will temporarily get you off the hook, but doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

That's it for now. I'll keep posting later.

My List.

Ok, so you know how you always see those lists of what girls what guys to know, and things that guys should do? WELL, I decided to make my OWN list. I mean, I am a blog aren't I? I have to take part in this special rituals ;)

1. Saying something nice will temporarily get you off the hook, but doing something incredibly nice will always get you off the hook.
   
2. Anything you girlfriend tells you, she told YOU. She didn't tell your friends, so why should you?
3. Girls absolutely hate waiting, and the sad thing is, they've probably waited for you to call once before, so just spare them now, and just CALL.
4. It's always nice to call, or email or something once in a while, to show that you care.
5. Although a girl will want to pay half for everything, to her friends, it will always seem like you're a jerk for not paying for her.
6. If you're girlfriend doesn't want to do something, don't push her to do it. 
7. If you're girlfriend tells you, "You don't get it.", than trust me, YOU DON'T GET IT.
8. Girls PMS, and they have shitty days, so get over it. 
9. Girls don't only want to be complimented, why don't you actually DO something to show her how much you love her.
10. Don't act upset or sad around her, you'll down her mood.
11. Don't always push her to do what you want to do, let her be a girl sometimes.
12. If she hit you, she has a good reason.
13. It will NEVER be okay to scoop her. NEVER EVER.
14. Don't make fun of the things she likes. If she likes stupid music, let her like it. 
15. If she isn't comfortable around your friends, don't always have her be around your friends.
16. Don't always ask her to come to you, maybe you should go to her sometimes.
17. Try to be interested in what she's interested in. If she has a soccer game, try and go. 
18. Don't tell her she looks pretty only when she's wearing a dress or something, tell her she looks the best when she feels at the worst.
19. Don't be so uptight and serious around her! Let loose.
20. DON'T SHOW OFF. It's not even worth showing off if she doesn't care.
21. Don't have an ego. Make your girlfriend a top priority, if she's not one she'll know. 
22. Don't even THINK about forgetting her birthday. 
23. Don't get her something stupid for her birthday. Always try to pick up those little things she mentions once. 
24. PAY ATTENTION. Don't wander like an idiot. 
25. Never laugh AT your girlfriend. Trust me, she won't laugh back.
26. If there's an awkward silence, don't wait for her to fill it up. SAY SOMETHING.
27. I love you means so much more when it's in person. Don't wait until you're alone or online to tell her.
28. Girls like to joke around, you'll know when they're serious.
29. Your girlfriend will never enjoy being around your ex girlfriend. Your ex girlfriend is always a hoe. 
30. In a fight, your ex girlfriend will never right. So never defend her.
31. Girls can be mean, but don't tell her that. Telling her she said something mean, will just make her feel really self conscious.
32. Girls will always hear about the things that you told your friends. ALWAYS.
33. Girls want to hear the cute stuff that you would never think about telling them. So just tell them.
34. Don't EVER look in their bags. They have GIRL stuff.
35. Memorize your girlfriend's phone number. 
36. Have a way for your girlfriend to always reach you. Whether it's a phone or something.
37. ALWAYS ANSWER YOUR PHONE. If a girl actually CALLS you and you're NOT there, she won't want to call you again!
38. Plan something sweet everyday. Whether you wrote her a song, or a poem, or you just have something sweet planned, try to do something everyday. She'll love you forever.
39. Don't take a long to answer on a phone or take a long time to REPLY TO AN EMAIL or REPLY TO AN INSTANT MESSAGE.
40. Don't take long showers, or a long time doing anything, because she'll be waiting.
41. I love you too should ALWAYS be the reply to I love you. If you say something like Ok, or Allright, she will MURDER YOU IN HER HEAD.
42. If you think something would embarrass her.... DON'T DO IT DUMBSHIT.
43. Do the stupid silly things with her.
44. Learn to express how you feel about her. Find new wonderful cute things to say to her. You're pretty and awesome get old. 
45. The guys should always lean first. (*cough* You know. LEAN?)
46. If you BOUGHT her something. You BOUGHT it for her. Don't ever EVER even think of saying something like, but remember that time I bought you that sweater?! You owe me now!
47. DON'T ASK GIRLS TO PAY YOU BACK! It's kind of rude. Uhm. Yea. Just rude. Unless it's over like 50 dollars, don't keep reminding her.
48. It might not be her birthday or christmas, and just because you're not rich, doesn't mean that a small present wouldn't be cute right? Like, always pick out the small things she mentions once. Her pencil breaks? GO BUY HER A NEW ONE. : D But ONLY if it's cute. x]
49. Let her diss your friends. BUT THEN DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
50. Never tell a girl that she is taking too long to do something. ESPECIALLY makeup. And don't try to rush her. 
51. Most importantly, when she says goodbye and leaves, she's not just saying goodbye. She's trying to see if you'll come running after her. 

Feel free to comment. 

Perfect Moments are like Lemons.

Sooooo.

Today we went to go see Danceflick. Which I TOTALLY recommend seeing because it is SUPER funny. I mean like, EVERYTHING is funny to me, but this was exceptionally funny. Which totally means something coming from me.      ;)

He was there and it was insanely insane. In a good way. So we were holding hands through the whole movie and it was just perfect. There was one part of the day where he was kind of paranoid about other people, so he would pull away when I tried to hold his hand, but I totally understand, because I can be paranoid a lot too. So it's not even a big deal. x] So then we're holding hands during the movie and even though I'm grossing myself out from having sweaty hands, he doesn't even care which is pretty damn sweet. And now I'm enjoying just being with him even more, which I couldn't even imagine that being possible! I just love being close to him and everything :] He's lovable. And we even had this one perfect moment. It was so adorably cute, because it was just like in that one moment of time I just loved him so incredibly much. I almost thought we were going to kiss :-o But I didn't want to make the first move or anything, because I consider some things, just 'guy' things to do, you know? But I'm fine nothing happened, because I probably would have broken his nose :/ I mean HONESTLY PEOPLE, which way do you tilt your head? Lol, so many random thoughts :/ But these things will just *happpennnn* and it will be amazing. : D I mean life only hands you so little perfect moments :) Hahah this is not fair. Why does he have to be so perfect? :] And all I can do is document how much I love him. Well, this is it for now, thinking about him makes my heart beat just a little bit too fast. 

My favorite quote :

"They all ask me what's so special about him but I don't tell them because I'm afraid they'll fall in love too." 

An Inside Joke.

No, I'm not laughing at you.

No, I'm not laughing with you.

No, no one made a joke.

No, I'm not just being ditzy. 

But my heart faints at your encounter,

My head is wrapped around every syllable of every word you say,

At first, 

All I can manage to do,

is curve my lips into a smile,

Inside I can barely hear my own thoughts,

And I can't help to stifle a giggle,

Until my eyes are completely enlightened by the brilliance of your presence,

Glowing with happiness,

It's building up inside of me uncontrollably,

And in the end,

I'm bursting out with laughter,

You ask me what I could ever possibly be laughing at,

and I can only say,

" Like I would ever tell you. "

:)

Summer Rain.

Our love is like summer rain,

Unpredictable but anticipated,

Neither the warmth of the sun,

Nor the chilled rainy dew drops alone,

Could ever feel as amazing as,

where both ends  meet.

Some people fear summer rain,

Hiding under umbrellas and ponchos,

But I stood in the summer rain,

Completely vulnerable.

And I knew you were the one,

because you stood there with me,

and we held hands,

all through the summer rain.

<3

Sooooo we've been going out for 5 days.

*Dorky smiley faceeeee*

Anddd I am absolutely *glowinggggg* with happiness :] Ahhh he's absolutely perfect, and I'm perfectly unperfect which makes everything perfectly perfect :D I may not be a math person but I am suchhh a logic person. I would say that the only fantaztimo thing about being a writer, is that I can almost-kindof-sorta-notreally-butclose describe 1/8th of how much I love him and whyyyyyyy. I mean for one thing, he wants me to be happy! And he tries to do whatever makes me happy, but all I want to do is be with him and I'm already happy, I don't need anything elseee. So then we're both being completely passive wanting to do whatever the other person wants to do, and I love it. x] 

I just sooperdydooperdy wish that everything I'm feeling can just put itself into words, so I can showwwww him that he means like the world to me! And when he's gone I feel insanely bummed and am on the verge of counting the minutes, which by the way I have only done once. Or twice... *Shining Angel Halo*

And when I see him my heart practically starts beating like I'm having a seizure or something, but you know play it cool. B-) On the inside I'm secretly freaking out though :] And when we're holding hands I'm pretty much like dying on the inside, because he's absolutely perrrrfect. 

So basically,

I don't want to be with him.

I neeeed to be with him.

Haven't you heardd? I told him I loved him :] Which means I get to keep him foreverrrr and always.

In Love, Part 2 :p

Lol, I know how much you miss my pointless ranting, but I'm just going to carry one to this post about how much I love him :] 

Haha, ok so we went to this playground the other day and it was so much fun :) There's this like Ginormostastic banyan tree and me, him, and my friend were all sitting in it and it was super chill and fun. And then he sat next to me and we held hands, and then again I had that really stupid look on my face. 

Ok I just have to explain this. 

Why do I have this stupid weird face when I look at him?

Like I was saying, ahhh it's unbelievable that someone can like me like he does :] And so then when I look at him while we're holding hands, I'm just super STARSTRUKKED and first I just look kind of sad, because I know eventually he has to leave, then I smile, because I'm so incredibly happy on the inside that he's with me that I'm just smiling and glowing :) , and what you don't understand is that I might be like JUMPING up and down like I LOVE YOU *JUMPJUMPJUMP* but on the inside it feels A-MAZING. Like your head is completely cleared from useless shit and you're absolutely oblivious to everything else, and you're just happy in the moment and just happy.And then I dunno I just start LAUGHING. I think I laugh because I know I look stupid, but that I'm just smiling and I'm so happy that it just like overwhelms me and I just have to start laughing, and it's like I'm laughing at some secret little joke that I would never tell him about :] 

i lalalove youuuu <3

Haha, that's nice :]

Isn't it super weird how like it seems like I talk about different guys alot, but actually it's reallyyy far spread apart? Lol. Ok, sooo blog, I'm kind of going out with this guy. And he's the nicest, sweetest guy ever. And of course, I never use names ;) Yea so first of all, I'm not like used to or 'am good at' being alone with like one person. It's not awkward, because nothing ever is, things are just weird. But when we're alone:

1.) I feel like someone is gonna see us and just be like O.O wowzerz.

And 2.) When I'm with him I'm SUPER happy and like, well he doesn't know how happy, because it's wayyyy to hard to explain it in comprehendible words, but like I'm so happy inside that when I say something it just comes out as like "I...uhm...H-.....uhm...." And then I smile REALLY big, because that's the best I can do. I'm a writer you know? I should be able to say all this mushycorny stuff that I want to say, but when I'm with him I'm just so incredibly star struck that I can't even say a thing.

I feel horrifically horrible! Because he wants us to be alone, but I'm just so used to being social with a big group, but he's seriously the sweetest person ever :] Like I was born with this thing and my hands will sweat ALOT ALOT, hyperhidrosis, and so I was like, oh I don't want to hold hands because I don't want to gross you out, but he's so nice and he's like well I don't care and we hold hands anyways, and I'm super happy, even though I know he's secretly grossed out, but it's just so niceeee :] And so we're holding hands, and we're sitting down, and I give him this really stupid look that I have when I'm with him, I just smile a lot, laugh a lot, and it's like I'm laughing at a joke that he'll never figure out, because he won't know how much I love him :]

Love love love love love love love.

Finally, someone who loves the unwuvable.

:)

Stay happy, stay clean, stay freshhhh

Don't be mad

GET GLAD :D

:[

The most depressing thing to witness is to see a boy and girl that love each other so much.

And you wish you were the girl.

And you wish he was the guy.

Because he is the guy.

Unleash the Beast Within.

Ok. So. I'm kind of the incredible hulk. I get angry and hurt incredibly easy, and when I'm angry, oh lord, I am FREAKIN' ANGRY.  Especially with my family, who should have more common sense and be a little more, hm.... CONSIDERATE? But yea, it doesn't matter, I mean it's just me right? Right, right. Sometimes I feel like I could just get my laptop and just throw it at a window, or just punch a wall or just punch SOMEONES' FACE. Seriously I can get so irritated and this Little Miss Sunshine wants to set everyone on fire. How ironic. 

I literally have to chain myself down and put myself in a straight suit to keep me from killing the irritating. There are the irritating and the irritable, I'm pretty much part of both, but I am like incredible hulk irritable. I can seriously feel myself breathing hard, and like biting down on my tongue to keep myself from saying all the nasty shit that we all know that I'm totally capable of saying. I have a blog don't I? I swore to God that I'm not a psycho bitch, but hey, things change right?

Oh geez.

Ok, so the person I thought was absolutely perfect was absolutely NOT. Like isn't is funny how you think you're totally in love with someone until you spend just one day with them, and you're just like oh....oh wow.....oh geez....uhm..yeaaaaaaa. No. Mr. Perfect is such a player. He's like :/ a mini pimp. Needa visual?

Ok.

Picture this : 3 Musketeers bar. Everyone LOVES 3 musketeers bars, and people don't mind sharing 3 musketeers bars, like a pimp. Now picture a mini 3 musketeers bar. Still the same lovable 3 musketeers bar, just mini sized, and just not quite there yet. 

But close.

Now, that's what he's like. He's a mini pimp. Not quite a pimp, but a pimp, except he still has some innocence left. 

Hahahah.

Mini pimps.

Look at what our world is reduced to.

So yea.

I'm once again:

Single and Crushless.

I'm Cringle.

Damn.

Ugh, FML.

The day I get my braces off, our car ONCE AGAIN decides to NOT START. I would be less pissed if like this was the first time, but the last time this happened was like 2 days ago. I specifically said, "Our car is dead. D - E - A - D. It has officially committed suicide. You can not bring it back from the dead."  So yea. My parents spent 500 bucks on fixing it. But like I said, "You can't bring it back from the dead." But does anyone ever listen to me? EVER? No. Absolutely not. I don't mean to be racist against my own race, but ugh, ASIAN PARENTS. They are absolutely delusional! They refuse to believe that something is broken, nothing is ever BROKEN, everything is fixable and useable.

The Unwuvable.

Awwwww... I really like this guy <3

"Oh no.... she's talking about someone again...."

"Shut up blog, and listen. Do you want to be my rant buddy or not? Oh wait, I guess for now you are my confession buddy :p"

"Fine....continue..."

Ok sorry, my blog and I were just having a hear to heart. SO incredibly nice to me. He always says nice things to me, and he's just so HUGGABLE. Have you noticed that about some guys, that they are just HUGGABLE? Eeeep, hahaha I just eeped, anyways, he sticks up for me when people diss me, even when they're joke dissing, but still, it's so sweet. But sometimes he sends out weird signals :/ Or as the ever so famous Ellen Degenerous puts it, "vibrations". LMFAO (laaamaaafaowwww:)  Once or twice he has pretty much implied that he likes me, but then sometimes he'll talk about some other girl? It's so confusing, this girl, who I don't really know, he is like madly in love with her :p But I think they're not as ti-iiighhhttt, anymore. I feel bad, but at the same time I'm like yayy. He is absolutely adowabowww :l Oh geez, and the worst part, everytime I'm like by his side,I just want to touch his cute wittle face ^.^ Or I really want to hold his hand! AWwwwwww, I wuv youuu. I just wish you'd love me too :[

Songs as "visuals" 

Lol

I don't get it either xD

1. Make You Feel My Love - ADELE

2. Happy - Nevershoutnever!

3. I'm Yours - The Script

4. THE MAN WHO CAN'T BE MOVED - THE SCRIPT  ( MY ABSOLUTE TOP ONE!)

5. Still Around - 3OH!3

Pwease say you'll wuv me back :[ :[ :[ :[ :[ :[

Because I'll always be hereeee waiting for you <3<3<3

It's too bad I'm part of the unwuvable as well as the irkable. D;

Spit it out.

Hello young boys and girls. I have a question.... Why is it, that if you really really like someone, you don't just ask them out? Are you afraid of rejection? Well OF COURSE. But should rejection get in your way for someone you really like?Even me, Ms.UnnoticedBloggerFrogPrincess is terrified out of her pants that she peed in of rejection. But from rejection, you just move on. And you're probably like move on? That's so frikkin incredibly hard. It seems that way doesn't it? But when one door closes another one opens right? Maybe there's someone RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU that you don't even say, that really likes you, but you don't even notice. 

Oh geez, now my blog is sad.

But my point is, don't feel scared, and just DO IT. (Hahahah Nike) 

You'll be surprised at what will come out. Have you seen Yes Man? That's a awesomelicious movie. He has no idea what's out there, or what he wants, but he's just going for it, and in some weird way, it just works out. The only difference between someone like you and someone like him, is that you know what's out there, more like who's out there, and you know exactly what you want, and if you just  GO FOR IT, things will find a way to work out for you.