To whom do I point my finger at?

It's hard to put blame on someone, and say whom is at fault. Everyone believes that they are right. Even when confronted with a different perspective, their own perspective still stands strong in their minds. The way I see it is that, you can never fix things and move on unless you understand and accept the concept that you can be wrong. So, with that being said, I've gotten into this horrible habit of always putting the blame on me. I always find fault within myself. And people actually do try to put the blame on me for things as well. Things that I don't believe are my fault. But now I'm at a crossroad. The blame is put on me, but I'm also at fault for always blaming myself, but I feel as though I'm not the one to blame. But I'm the type of person who feels terrible for putting the blame on someone else. But honestly, this is tearing me apart. I didn't do this, you did. And I'm the only one getting hurt. Man up. If you have any pride at all, you'll take responsibility for this, and do something about it. Fix it. Because I'm falling apart.

Eating me alive from the inside.

It feels as if I’m being eaten alive from the inside out. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was improving. I mean, I had taken all the right steps. I was doing everything that I was supposed to do. I don’t understand how this is happening, or why. What am I doing wrong? Where do I go from here? How do I get better? I can’t keep pretending that things are going to get better. I can’t live a lie and hope that one day that lie becomes the truth. It’s like how you can’t pretend you’re happy, and hope that one day you’ll just become happy. Life is real. And every part of it has to be real too. I can’t run away anymore either. I can’t keep running away and hiding and ‘taking breaks’ every time life becomes too hard and I can’t handle things anymore. I can’t just drop everything and everyone and move on either. So I’m running out of options. I don’t understand how I can be doing so well but not feeling so well about it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do -where I’m supposed to go from here. All I know is that, this isn’t okay right now. And really, all I want to do is take a break from the world, run and hideaway.

I wait.

I still wait.

I still hope that one day you’ll call me up and ask if I have some time to spend with you. I still hope that one day you’ll start a conversation first with me. I still hope that sometimes, when you’re all alone, or maybe if you’re in a crowd, you’ll think of me. I still hope that sometimes you miss me. I still hope that going somewhere we’ve been, triggers a memory, and makes you think of me. I still hope that deep inside, that you miss me - maybe, just maybe, as much as I miss you. I still hope that you know that I have never walked away from you, nor will I ever. I still hope that you know that your place in my heart is as big as it always has been. I still hope that you know that if you needed me, I’d be there in a instant. I hope you know that there is no anger associated with you in my mind. I hope you understand someday, how much you still mean to me, and how it hurts now more than ever. I still wait for the day that we can have more than a generic conversation, because we are both engaged, and we both are genuinely there.

I still wait for the day that you understand.

I still wait for the day that you miss me back just as much.

I still wait for the day you decide to call me back.

For the day that you want to start over again.

For the day that you want to rebuild again.

For the day that you want to sincerely let go of the mistakes, and the hurt that we have both caused and endured.

For the day that we can both say we’re sorry.

For the day we can honestly in our hearts forgive.

For the day we realize where we are now.

For the day that we both realize it’s still not too late.

For the day that I’ve been praying about in my heart, will become one day soon.