We all need something to believe in.

So where is my something? I don't believe in myself that much. And when I believe in other people, most times they let me down. So who do I believe in? God? But how can we believe in a God who, although have made such great things happen, have also let such horrible things happen in life. I know religion is all about having faith in a higher power, but should I even be asking God to prove that he exists? Maybe because I say he doesn't exist, to me, he doesn't. But that's not right. Well, God. Life feels like such shiet right now. So I guess that means...I should put even more faith in you than ever.

Love Always,
Me <3

It's been quite a while

Well, I've missed you blogger. I really have. And trust me, not much has changed. Still the troubled rebel teen. Some things never do change.

I Shall Not Let Myself Fall...

Have you ever convinced yourself out of liking someone, or anyone in general, because you won't allow yourself to get hurt? I can't decide whether this is a good method or not. Am I protecting my own self too much? am I sheltering my self in such a way that I don't let the bad nor the good happen to me? I know fate is fate, and what shall happen shall happen, but in a way, I'm stopping fate, and I'm changing what could happen...

Oh @#$%^.

I'm messing with the universe again.

What Can I Say?

I have a secret.

Let's keep it between us.

If I could change myself, I'd be 20lbs skinnier.

I'd do anything.

Mysteries in life.

What is wrong with me?

Can I ever be loved?

My Essence.

My essence,
bottled and capped,
Each breath you take,
Feel it.
Take it in.
It captivates you,
And you’re drawn to my love,
But my essence starts to leak,
You catch them like drops of rain,
Please,
Pour them back into me,
Who am I without what I am?
You’ll always have a part of me,
But please don’t take what you don’t need.

A Battlefield.

Love and life is a battlefield,
& Ask yourself,
"Who are you fighting for?"
"What do you stand for?"
"And what does that say?"
"Would you be proud to go down that way?"
Your words cut like knives,
But your actions are killer,
The lies and the truths are nothing but fillers,
Love is nothing without trust on it's side,
Trust must be given,
& Will be received in time,
So pick your battles,
& Pick your wars,
Always look ahead,
But never straight forward.

Sonnets :O

Feeling kind of lost on roads I walk on,
Trying to find my footsteps within a crowd,
Walking in all directions until I'm gone,
I try to hear the silence though it's loud.

There are some paths I wish I didn't choose,
But wrong or right they've taken me to here,
Got everything to gain, but none to lose,
Live life in doubt is to live life in fear.

The whole world lies in front of my own eyes,
But I'm not quite sure where I want to go,
I'll listen to the truths as well as lies,
The heart will know just where it wants to go.

But is there even more out there for me?
I guess there's more to life than what I see.

I am feeling kind of lost.

I am feeling kind of lost.
Footsteps all surround me,
I try to find my own,
I get tangled up in everyone's paths,
Our paths intertwine,
Like knots in shoelaces,
They're knots that I'd never untie,
Circling around,
I pace to find it,
Where all the knots become one,
Circling around,
I pace to find it,
I pace to find the unknown.
I am feeling kind of lost.

Ugh.

Sometimes...
I feel so betrayed and hurt.
Sometimes it feels as if I have had been SO hurt that I don't even try to touch the wound anymore.
It's not even a wound, it's a GASH and no one even cares even to try and make it better.
I am so done putting in all the effort, I have given up trying.
I am so done putting up with everyone's shit.
I am so sick of looking like the bad person.
I am NOT the bad person.
No one even cares about me.
No one truly even cares about me.
Because the people I thought once cared about me the most...
well it was all a lie.
Everything was a lie.
It was silly of me to believe it wasn't.
Everyone ends up leaving in the end.
And everyone ends up stabbing you right in the heart right before they leave too.

Fighting.

"Why am I still fighting? Why doe it feel like I'm the only one fighting to keep everyone in my life? Why does it feel more like I'm fighting to keep myself in everyone else's life? people are wrong about war. If you're the only one left fighting on the battlefield, it doesn't make you the winner, it in fact makes you the loser. Why won't anyone fight for me? why won't anyone else fight for me to be in their lives? Why should I have to be the one to fight? I get nothing out of it. I am so frustrated with everything and my life. I don't understand how the people who were so close to me can now watch me fall to pieces. You used to be there to make sure I never fell, and if anything that you were there to catch, me. You used to make it seem like it was impossible to see me unhappy or hurt. You felt that way because you cared about me. Now when you see me, you just feel bad. Not that you don't care about me, I bet you do, but you don't do anything. I am important. I'm sure I am, but not as important. I can never be again what I once was to all of you."

Greed. (Finders Keepers)

"Sometimes it feels as if everyone is leaving. They used to all be there and no matter how greedy it seems, I wanted to keep them forever. We can't all get what we want in life, but I really wanted to. I wanted to have it all. I wanted it because I don't know if I could be by myself with out it all. Nothing feels the same anymore. It used to all be so different. I used to always preach about happiness, and I finally realized that it was easy to preach because I already had it. I was happy and content and care free. What happened to the people I used to depend on the most? Why does it always feel as if I'm the only fighting? Sometimes it just feels as if I'm the only one who cares enough to fight. I know I'm not alone. I know there are a lot of people who are there for me, but I still feel so alone. Why. I just want to know why. Why can't I let myself try to be happy? I did try. And I was almost okay, and I almost had that one moment of care free bliss. But within an instance, it was gone and I have no idea why I let it go, and if it was even in my power to let it go. Maybe, deep down inside I know that I'm not going to try and feel better again because I will always be this greedy.I will always want so many things and i know I'm not going to be happy without them. I'm a greedy person. I know greed corrupts us all...."

Break Down.

So I learned that trying to keep everything together is not the same thing as actually having everything together. Everything built up and I couldn't stop it, I just finally broke down in the bathroom at school. It felt horrible. My eyes got all red and swollen and it just really sucks. I feel so helpless sometimes...I can't help it. I honestly wish I could get away from everyone. I feel horrible because I always get hurt..& it's just so easy for me to get hurt by someone. I'm really really fragile right now, and I feel like within an instance I could just break.

Again.

If you can even break more then once.

What else is there left to break.

The pieces left?

Be Strong.

Oh darling,
Don't let these tears reign over you,
Be strong and watch them fade away,
They roll down the sides of your porcelain skin,
Let them roll right off of your face,
Don't let yourself sink it too deep,
Or be dragged off far away,
Running is never the hard part,
The hard part is always staying,
So stay for all the things to stay for,
And all you have left to say,
Don't let yourself feel hurt,
And don't let yourself feel this way,
Don't feel so down and lowly,
And even try to say,
That any hurt you've been thru, you deserved to feel that way,
So let yourself feel strong and proud,
And ignore the things they say,
The only thing to remember is that;
You're as strong as you let yourself believe.

How Does One Move On?

"When moving on you must decide what you keep and what you let go of. Thats another one of my problems. I want to hold on to the good memories and everything good that is left, but the problem for me is that when I hold on to the good memories I want to relive them and make them a reality again. But then, if I don't hold onto the good memories, what does that mean? That I should hold onto the bad memories? But bad memories just bring pain and unhappiness and I don't want that either. So what does that mean for me? They are both really big loads to carry and at the same time, sure it might be easier to not even carry the loads at all, but is it worth just not carrying at all? I want to let go of the bad memories because I want to be able to forgive and move on, but when left with just good memories, won't it just remind me of how these good memories are just good memories and won't that just bring me back to bad memories. I'm also afraid of false hope. False hope towards how maybe things will be the same again, some way, some how, but disappointment after a false hope? I don't think I could handle that at. all. "

A Passage..

I think for now I'm just going to post some passages from the journal I've been keeping. (=

" Sometimes it felt as if life was so unfair. And it felt like it was so unfair to me, and instead of fighting for everyone elses rights and wants, I realized I should have been fighting for myself this whole time. I shouldn't have pushed what I wanted, I should have pushed what was good for me. What I really needed was to take care of myself. I spent so much energy worrying and stressing and I didn't even realize how bad it was for me. I mean, I spent all this time believing that I didn't deserve half of the things I got, well then, why was I making it so much more difficult for me? If someone was hurting me and making my life difficult, well, why were they even in my life at all? If I didn't deserve something, I sure as hell wasn't going to take it from anyone. I can't change the fact that life is unfair. that's how it's always going to be. But I could change how I felt about life's unfairness."

Sorriez!

Sorry for not posting for soooo long )= Alotta stuffs been going on, but not all hope is lost! I have a journal and will be posting passages soon (= 

ttyl for whoever is actually reading x]

lahve lahve lahve lahve yew*

I was wrong. Not everyone was meant to be happy.

The Beginning.

It is in fact, the beginning. I have one year, to start placing at swim meets, and to go to States. If I don't, my parents are going to pull me out of swimming for good. Dude...this is so intense right here. I've been swimming for 3 years now, and it has become like the biggest part of my life. Swimming is the one thing I absolutely can't lose in my life. 

I have always been the average swimmer. But I think now that there's this huge pressure on me, that I've finally reached my breaking point. I mean, I'm sick of getting lapped at practices, of going to meets and watching other people get their times, I'm sick of not placing and not qualifying for meets. I think I've finally realized that I mean, I've been trying hard, I really have, but I haven't been trying my ABSOLUTE hardest. I mean if I have been trying my ABSOLUTE hardest, who knows, I could be a qualifying swimmer. This is going to be hard. I'm not going to lie, there a huge chance this isn't going to happen. But I have to try my absolute hardest, because losing swimming would be like losing a part of myself. It's time to get down to business.

 People believe in me, sure. My parents, don't. I'm sick of what they put my self esteem through, and the discouragement I receive from them.

So my lovely internet people, be prepared. Join me for the ride, as I begin to step it up and make a name for myself in the swimming world.

My Thoughts On My Pondering :)

Just for kicks, I wanted to answer the questions :)

1. What happened in your weirdest dream ever?
--I was upset and ran away to a cheesecake factory with circus carnies XD It was weird, because I don't like cheesecake XD

2. If you were to die tomorrow, and you had to go on a date with the person of your dreams, who would it be and what would you do?
--Ohhh, if he's reading this, he knows who he is :) & I was thinking some cool mega date, with a movie, skydiving, snorkeling, ice skating, going to a carnival, and drinking lotsa coffeeee!! :D Orrrr, just chillin' somewhere is cool with me too :]

3. You've just won a shopping spree at Longs. You have 5 minutes to grab whatever you want. Where do you go first, and what it is the first thing you buy?
--Dude, are you kidding me? Of COURSE I'd run straight to the chips section and get a bag of hot cheetos :D

4. What is the most embarrassing ringtone to have when your phone rings in the middle of class?
--Haha, I remember one time my phone's ringtone was like this really asian-ey chinese song XD I'm full Chinese and the class was realllllyyyyy quiet XD

5. What is a line from a song that describes your life?
-- "Don't be afraid of falling down, Just get back up when you hit the ground" Worth The Wait By: Lights Out Dancing

6. What is something embarrassing you sleep with at night?
--A blanket I've had since I was like born. And a TEDDY BEAR :) But shhhhh O:-) I'm trusting you!!

7. What is a bad habit you have?
--Tacking random shit to my wall.

8. What do you think is amazing?
--Elmer's glue!! It's BLUE and it dries INVISIBLE! Amazing, much?

9. What do you like to do when you're bored?
--Hahahahaha XD

10. Are you a pottttyyy mouth? O:-)
--Fuck yea bixchz XD

11. What is your favorite gum?
--5!!! I actually thought this WHOLE time that 5 gum was STRIDE gum. And I thought the 5 was supposed to be like a really cool S, you know? XD

12. What is the first thing you do when it starts to rain?
--Close the windows so the rain doesn't come in. Then I run outside and play in the rain until I get a fever the next day :)

13. Do you believe that everyone deserves a happy ending?
--Absolutely! I believe that everyone deserves a happy ending and that they're all beautiful people in their own way :]

14. Pizza Hut, Dominos, or Bostons Pizza?
--BOSTONS! My favorite pizza toppings are spinach&garlic :)

15. Hamburgers or Fried Chicken?
--FRIED CHICKEN.

16. Do you walk thru the mud, or around the mud?
--Right on thru :D

17. What is your favorite thing about America?
--Fried Chicken

18. What is your favorite thing about Asia?
--Hawt FOBbies! :)

19. Pirates or Ninjas?
--I'm waiting for a hybrid of both to answer this question ;D

20. Whoever is reading this is attractive and just made my day :)
--STILL TRUE! :)

Soooo Dead XD

Okay.
I am dead.
So so dead.
Finals are in two days and I am SCREWWWWED.
I know they make the questions extra extremely hard to test to see if you really understand the material, and that's the thing. I understand the material, until they ask those god damn questions >.< And seriously, I can not be in the same room for like 2 hours working on a test. I can barely do anything for 2 hours in the first place. I can't even like watch a movie for 2 hours unless I like get up to use the bathroom or like eat something. Do you ever like, read a question, and then you think about the question, and then you totally don't even remember what the question was? That's me. That's allllll me right there. I even went to talk to a teacher for extra help, and after she explained to me for 5 minutes and I left, I didn't remember a thing she said. The only thing I remembered was that she was wearing a blue shirt...and that was pretty much it XD I mean, I study and all. I'm totally pro-studying, but like, it feels so unhelpful on the test, like I don't even see anything I studied ON THE TEST! So instead, right now I am currently looking at piano music, listening to music, watching reruns of tv shows noone watches anymore, painting my nails, eating food, talking on aim, spamming people with the link to my blog O:-) hehehe and yea. Alll at the same time. You know what makes me sad? They stopped showing full house :( I used to watch that show like EVERYYYYYYYYday. I LOVED that show XD I have no idea why, but I've seen like every episode XD I've also seen every episode of, Gilmore Girls, Southpark, Heroes, Gossip Girl, and Degrassi XD Lmfao.
ANYWAYS,
Leave a comment! ^_^

Ponnnndering O:-)

So lately there's been a lot on my mind, and I figured that people who have a lot on their mind should have other things they could think about to take their mind off of other things :D

Soooo, just a few things to ponder about (:

1. What happened in your weirdest dream ever?
2. If you were to die tomorrow, and you had to go on a date with the person of your dreams, who would it be and what would you do?
3. You've just won a shopping spree at Longs. You have 5 minutes to grab whatever you want. Where do you go first, and what it is the first thing you buy?
4. What is the most embarrassing ringtone to have when your phone rings in the middle of class?
5. What is a line from a song that describes your life?
6. What is something embarrassing you sleep with at night?
7. What is a bad habit you have?
8. What do you think is amazing?
9. What do you like to do when you're bored?
10. Are you a pottttyyy mouth? O:-)
11. What is your favorite gum?
12. What is the first thing you do when it starts to rain?
13. Do you believe that everyone deserves a happy ending?
14. Pizza Hut, Dominos, or Bostons Pizza?
15. Hamburgers or Fried Chicken?
16. Do you walk thru the mud, or around the mud?
17. What is your favorite thing about America?
18. What is your favorite thing about Asia?
19. Pirates or Ninjas?
20. Whoever is reading this is attractive and just made my day :)

Feel free to leave a comment on your thoughts or answers to these questions!
It's much appreciated!
LotsaLove! <3

Your Last Final Words...

Oh yes, it's that time of the year again.
Dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnn
FINALS!
There is nothing more fun than trying to cram a semester length of work into your brain in about a week. The worst part is, is that they still give you homework the week before finals. And of course, every teacher gives you homework as if you only have homework that class. I'm so bad at planning D: I have to finish this 401 paged book by TOMORROW, and I read up to page 62. I also have to do a project, an ART project that is due in 2 days. It's an ART project. There's a reason why I'm not in ART. I think I'm actually going to avoid it all 4 years of high school. It's not that I don't enjoy drawing (hahaha I don't XD) It's just that we have to recreate a drawing from the renaissance period, and like that's the period where everyone is drawing odd looking people and Jesus. Everyyyy picture is about Jesus. Okay, no hard feelings man, but I just don't want to draw you. I draw as if I'm blindfolded and tied to a chair, and like, I don't want Jesus to look bad. I LIKE JESUS. Ugh, and on top of it all, SPORTS. It takes up like 2 hours straight after you end school, and you go home all tired and groggy and talking all incoherent like. And when you try to start homework, all you can think about is sleeping. Hahaha oh yes, but instead of sleeping I'm blogging to give myself a reason not to do homework. Hahaha I wish I had people to blog for XD
You guys are lucky~

What Day Is Today :-0

So, I was thinking. And I was thinking about what it would be like if everyone made up their own holiday. Just think about it. Wouldn’t you love someone asking you what day it was, and you got to say something like, “Oh, it’s Waffle Appreciation Day.” or “Don’t you know that today is, Uno Day?!” And after writing that, it got me thinking about 3 things.

1. Waffles are so much better than pancakes. Pancakes are like pillows. They’re nice and comfy, but you wouldn’t want to eat them.
2. I have never played Uno before. Like…in my life. Like…this life.
3. This is America, the land of opportunity. Why wouldn’t this be able to happen?

And then, it hit me. If this happened, I would be put at the top of every calendar maker’s hit list. Now wouldn’t it just be plain sad, if my friends had to break the news to my parents saying that I got murdered by calendar makers? XD Ahhh hide me! :O