"Preoccupied"

Arg, ever since I started going to private school, I've been so busy. -_- I miss writing in my blog, and just like venting my feelings :'( People at my private school are totally awesome. Well most of them are pretty...."okay", they're like into cliques and popularity, and into latest fashions and stuff. It's like some kind of "club" I'm just not in. It's so hard making a fresh start, cause you can't just change the person you were, it'll stick with you. I am stuck in the past, missing the people I have once held so dear, the promises that weren't kept. You never really know what it's like to be without someone, or something, until it's actually gone. :[ There's so much pressure now! It's like you think you can do this and that, but you get SO DISTRACTED MAN! You know, with walls, and...food....and walls...and paint on...walls. Hey we all get distracted by walls...OK I'M LEAVING! U GUYS ARE DISTRACTING ME WITH...walls....haha bye!

Simple Jealousy

The new girl on the swim team, she came horrible, it took her 2 weeks to become better than me. And a lot of other fast swimmers. She moved up into my group after 2 weeks on the swim team. It took me 10 months to move up to this group. She's really mean, and she has multiple personalities. When she comes to swim team, she's got all the coaches eating out of the palm of her hand. The reason why I'm jealous of her, and not the fastest girls on the swim team, is because they worked hard for what they earned, and they deserve every trophy, medal, and ribbon they ever got. She just comes, and she's great, and she's mean, and she's got me jealous. She's even got me crying. So, I guess, she wins. Because no matter how hard I work, I will never be as good, as talented, smart, or pretty as she is. I wanted to be remembered, I wanted to be remembered as the talented, fast girl, who everyone loved. Now that she came, compared to her, I'm nothing. Now, I'm going to just remembered, as that girl. She has taken all my dreams, all my hopes, all my friends, all my dignity, and she just crushed them. Right there. I still pretend sometimes though, that I'm the bigger person. Although I work harder than she does, and even though swimming is my life, and swimming is her hobby, no matter what I say, or do, or how many workouts I do...she'll still be, the perfect swimmer.

It hurts. It really does.

Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone gets punished. But sometimes when people make mistakes, they get physically hurt. I know, who would ever hurt their child? The thing is, that it really does happen. Some people just have a lot of rage and anger, and they need someone to take it out on. Some people just get mad, when their child does something stupid. But everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't give you the right to hit them. You want to teach them a lesson yea? Teach them a lesson the hard way yea? Well you shouldn't. You should never. Obviously what people don't realize is, that it hurts. It really does hurt. You feel scared, alone, confused, angry, helpless. When you hit someone, you not only physically hurt them, but you hurt them emotionally too. They'll be scarred for life. When they look back on their childhood, those bruises, those memories, that's what they're going to remember. It will never, ever be ok to hit someone. The pain is real. It hurts. It really does.

A hard worker, and don't you forget it

I'm am so physically out of shape. I'm shaped like a pear. And a pretty dang big one. I've always liked to pig out, and apparently, unlike the other girls, I got fat. Everyone told me that sooner of later I'd grow into my height. Obviously, later is more practical than sooner. But I work so hard to stay, somewhat healthy. Everytime I started a diet, I could never follow through. I'm about to be as heavy as my mother. Before, I was fat, but still looked reasonable in clothes. Now, I look like a pregnant teen!!! I keep telling myself. RESIST TEMPTATION!. But they're everywhere. Tasty oily foods. All my friends eat them. Their "healthy" diet will never catch up to them. Well, probably when they're dead and rotting in their coffin. But then again, they're rotting. I'm trying. Honestly. I LOVE TO COOK THOUGH! I just have to pre-occupy myself. Like reading.....hahahha whew that was funny. I'll think of something. I swim everyday and I'm trying really hard to qualify for state championships. But I need a QUAL time. And I have a B time. But I'm aging up. So my ONE little B time is going to turn into a C time. I don't want to get high blood pressure or high sugar blood like my parents. So I'll just have that as my inspiration. Time to pump up the diet.

What starts as a dream

I've always been the dreamer poet. The one that believes she'll be a big time writer. But I've always had those people, that told me I'd never make it. The kind of people, that told me I was nothing, that I'd never succeed in life, if I depended on my writing. Maybe they're right, but..., maybe they're wrong. What started as a hope for me, slowly turned into a dream. It was something I strived for, every single day of my life. Even though, I've been disappointed a couple of times, but what keeps me going on, is that deep inside my heart, my belief that I can make it, still burns. I know a miracle touches one soul out of all the others. But how I know my soul is going to be touched by a miracle. Is that I can stand up and say, I'm gonna be that one.

Oh, don't you just want to KILL HER.

Everyone knows her as the angel from above. I know her as the two faced brat she really is. She thinks she can start off fresh at our district swim team. Well honey, not here you can't. You might think you're pretty. You might even think you're nice. But here, you're nothing, you're the ground I walk on. You can't fool one of us darlin'. No one cares if you're too skinny. No one really cares, if you're too nice.. You might deceive some people, but you'll never be able to deceive yourself. You've betrayed those who have been loyal to you. You're no longer worthy, of me, or my friend.I might feel sorry for you. But I don't fear you. So bring it on, because as soon as everyone realizes that they've been fooled. They're gonna wonder who did it to them. Then they're gonna think of you. Then they're gonna rip you limb from limb. Oh don't worry. I'll be there....video taping the whole thing. So basically, I'll be right there with you. I don't care if you're nice, or mean, but I hate how you just can't seem to pick a personality. You're a horrid little witch at school, but as soon as you come to swim team practice, you're cinderella. Awwwww...don't you just want to, KILL HER.

Summer

All the private schools end on the 31st, and all the crappy public schools end on the 7th. The t.v. networks, the radio, the people, all starting summer before us. And basically, at school, we're not really doing anything. It's pointless. The whole staff is scared of a bunch of strict rich ass advisers that tell the staff to follow these rules or else. What's the point of being an individual, if your boss is just turning you into a clone-wannabe. So while everyone is out enjoying their summer, we're sitting in a classroom learning nothing, and just tickin' off the teacher. We're practicing graduation, and getting lectures on what to expect from 7th grade. Yet another way for God to punish us. Staying in a classroom full of teachers with corny athletic jokes.

Solo act.

This is what happened since my last post about the talent show. All my friends went nuts about which song, and so somehow I ended up with just one partner. But here's the thing. She bailed on me. We needed time to practice, but she's always busy, caught up in her own little world, not to offend her or anything. So what happens next? The student council adviser told me to either drop out, or go solo. But our student council adviser is on everybody's number one hate list, so there's no shocker I threw a "little" fit. I don't know why, but I went solo. I guess I wanted to prove to all those people who told me that I couldn't do this. And knowing me, hell yea I went solo. I got up that stage, and with all my "confidence" I started to sing to the song. I felt like I was going to puke, and I felt everybody's stare burning through my skull. After the song came the end, I sorta rushed off the stage, but I did feel somewhat powerful. I mean the dorky girl from 6th grade actually got up on stage and sang, just by herself. But the one thing I could never figure out is, that if people actually thought I was good, or if people were just saying that because they pitied me.

Turning over a new leaf

Here's something I always say: I'm gonna turn over a new leaf. I'm always claiming, that I'm gonna try and be a better person. I'm gonna act nicer, talk nicer, actually dress nicer! But it's so hard to change yourself, when you're so used to acting like a jerk, and dressing like a nerd. Every time I say I'm going to actually try, and hey, I do. But it only lasts for a couple of days, until people start judging you all over again, and you get that feeling where you're trapped in a cage at the zoo, with everybody laughing and pointing at you. Just because I don't wear clothes that are so tight on you, you can't even breath, people think I dress weird, just because I don't like listening to emo music, people think I have no taste in music, just because I like to write and read, people think I'm a nerd. Honestly I am a nerd though. I wanna be an individual. But if I'm changing so I can be like everyone else, then I'm not an individual. The only way I can actually successfully change myself, is if I want this for myself.

Cell Phone

Dude, this was a seriously weird thing. My school ended at 2:10. It was 2:20 when I called my friend. But then, about 10 minutes later, my friend called me again, and told me to check my cell phone's clock. It said 2:13. But, how was that possible???!?!?! It was 2:20 when I called her. We met up at the park, and we both started freaking out, when we checked out cell phones again to realize, that it was 2:08. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON!? Apparently, God was cursing us! After it reached 2:12, the clock went back to 2:08. My friend and I went to 7-11, and the clock there was 3:30. We both had the cell phone company sprint, but the stupid thing, was that the tower was RIGHT THERE. Like RIGHT next to 7-11. We decided that God hates us because my friend and I committed so many sins, and that we're going to sue sprint. My friend told me that we're going to go to court, and at court, we're going to tell them the story of how we went to the airport [not really] to pick up a friend, and their flight was at 2:30. But everytime we checked our cellphones it said 2:08 or something like that. We decided, since we both made it into private schools, we'd use that money that we made off of Sprint to pay for tuition. You gotta love Cell Phones.

Moving

This whole year, so many of my beloved friends, have moved. I cried so much, knowing that they're probably not coming back, and even if they visit, it's just gonna be a teary afternoon, and they're off. It's like the picture I have of my friends. Just like the picture, the memories slowly fade, until you can't remember anything anymore. It's just so hard to let go. To just let go of the laughs, the hugs, the smiles, the hard times, the tears, to just let them go, is like waiting for the rain in a summer drought. Useless and disappointing. It just makes me depressed, to think that it's even possible to forget how they look like, how they sound like, how they were like. I miss them terribly, but I feel like they've already forgotten me. They in a new place, with new people, and new things to experience. I guess, that now they have their lives, and we have ours. I always hated it when people moved. It made me feel horrible. My friends were always the ones that supported me, encouraged me to do my best, show me how to have a good time. And each and everyone of them were special and unique to me. I'll never forget them. But I think that maybe, it's time to move on. I can't keep living in the past right?

Trying to be Nice

The new girl at our school, is older than us, bigger than us, snottier than us, and meaner than us. I tried to be nice, honestly, I did. I complimented her, told her how nice her clothes and nose ring [ gag me ] looked. And in return, she told me my clothes looked gay, that I'm really fat, and that I need to go on a diet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? A lot of people find her rude and cruel. Some of her jokes, are meant to be funny, but it hurts other peoples feelings. She makes other people feel inferior, if they do not meet up to her standards. Newflash! NO ONE REALLY LIKES YOU! They like your fake nails, your hair, and maybe one or two will like your nose ring, [GAG ME]. But no one actually likes her. Her personality stinks, her humor is horrible, and the worst thing is...that she could've changed herself, or done something to make herself better. But she didnt. Maybe she just wasn't aware of her problems, like most of us are. Stuck in our own little fantasy world, thinking that all of these posers, are our friends. She can change her own destiny, or change herself, but if she doesn't do it soon, the damage is gonna be permanent. A scar on her life. It'll take a lot of work, to change herself, and make herself a better person, like most of us humans try to do, but you have to want this for yourself in order for you to be able to achieve anything.

Dieting

Whatever happened to good old fashioned, liking you for who you are? I'll tell you what, the 21st century came. Now it's all about, dieting, and make-up. Let me translate. Dieting = Starving yourself. Who cares if you break a nail? Seriously. Nowadays, everybody wears fake nails. Like I really want to paste shiny plastic onto me. People think they have to look skinny or pretty in order to be accepted by their peers. But the first step is accepting yourself. You shouldn't care about what people think of you, it's what you think of yourself that matters. Of course, I should also take my own advice, but you know me. In order to lose weight, you have to exercise regularly, and eat a balanced diet with lots of fiber. And here's the biggest tip of all....pie-eating is not considered a sport. Honestly, I don't care what people think of me. I'm just glad I'm not like those other, plastic-Barbie-wannabes.

Auditions

Ok, so I'm trying out for this talent show at school. Out of the whole entire pathetic public school, only 15 people can make it in. After being told many, many, MANY times by several different people who shall remane nameless, about how badly I sing, and how it's a talent show, where I should show my talents, I've signed up for auditions anyways. I think I sing pretty ok..ish... but I know I can do it...right?!?!?!? So maybe there's like nooooooooooooobody supporting me here, but as long as I tried my best, I'd say I've already won.

Catcher in the Rye

Once again, I'm bored out of my skull. So I decided to go read a book, or *ding* study for the HSA. But, on account of me being 11, I've blown it off for about a week. Don't worry, I'll go read. Kay, here's how the story went, after my first swim meet, and I was extremely tired, we went to go to my parent's friend's house. When we arrived I fell asleep for like about 2 hours. My friend's who were like 15 had this book, the Catcher in the Rye. And it looked boring, but I was bored. The perfect match. I started reading it, and it was, " okay ". We had to leave after that. Months later, on my spring break, I got bored again, and so of course I had to go read. I went to my brother's book shelf, [ he has an " okay " taste in books]. I found the book Catcher in the Rye and now here I am. I'm on the about some where around 150th page. Kay, bye peoples. I have to go study [ yea right] and read.

zzzZZZZZzzzz

After a VERY LONG jog this morning, [ okay, WALK], I still have to go to aulea. Sob :( My whole body is very ache-y, so very achey-ful. Just imagine, I get to do this for another 2 weeks. Joy. I'd rather sleep, but I'm in too much pain to do so. I just wanna watch my television. :) But, unfortunately I have to sprint. How fun. I got to go drown now, toodles.

Remix

I'm so ticked because I have two remixes of the same song, but I DON'T HAVE THE ORIGINAL! Both versions have this one section where it's like half of the song, and it's just an U.R.N. otherwise known as an unidentified roaring noise. It's so loud, and if you play the song more than once, you'll go deaf. Even if you turn the volume down, you'll still go deaf. A win-win situation huh? I'm going to go listen to the radio and see if I can hear anything.

HUNGARY

I'm so HUGNRY!!!! I just ate dinner, but I have this empty space inside of me!! And I don't mean that in a soap-opera-ish way. I want to eat some kind of junk food, but then again, I wouldn't want to accidentally break the scale when I weigh myself. I took my mom's advice and ate something " healthy ". It's not half bad. But then again, it doesn't beat the taste of something salty and made out of potatoes. I've learned something really important today. . . . . . I would NEVER last on a diet. :)

From anxious to noxious

I've gone from anxious to noxious. I feel.... what's the word.... icky. So very icky-ful. My tummy is leading a boycott against me, and my head, well let's just say that I'm hoping to not attract any firemen. And what's even worse, is that my goggles broke. Right in the middle. So now I'm sick, and I'm totally blind under water. And I haven't even gone to the worst part yet. I'M HUNGRY! Can you believe that? I'm gonna go get food, the edible kind, and for my goggles? Well, nothing you can't fix with a glue gun.

Bored out of my skull

As you all know..... I am bored out of my skull. Come to think of it, whoever made up the saying, bored out of my skull, was most likely bored out of their skull at the time too. I'm looking at all the toys I have laying on the ground. Then I realize, that I haven't played with them since I was like, I don't know, 5? And I'm pretty sure that I've out grown the interest of Barbies by now. Can you believe that I'm so bored that I'll actually write something in my blog? Excuse me, I have to go watch grass die.

Anxious days

So here I am, once again, waiting for my Punahou letter. I wait some more. I check my watch, what seems to have been hours, was only 3 minutes. Look at me, [ okay, " visualize " me] I'm so pathetic. But like I always say, I don't care what people think of me. So here I am, once again, waiting for my Punahou letter. The suspension is killing me, and the tension is slowly, slowly, slowly, building up inside of me until I LOSE MY MIND! Although, I think I got past that stage already. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go hit my head against a wall.

spring break hysteria

It's Sunday, the day before spring break starts. When you're at school, you feel like you really need a break, but really, after the first couple of days, you kind of actually start to miss your teachers nagging you about your homework. So now, I'm just sitting here, at home, on my chair, typing the first page of my blog. Another sign of my hysteria of spring break. At first I thought of a million things I could possibly do, but now that I'm actually on spring break, I'm just spacing out. Come to think of it, I'm gonna go hibernate.