Ugh.

Ok, is it just me, or does it seem like no matter how hard we try, we always fail our parents. SERIOUSLY. It's not like we do alllllllll this other extra curricular stuff for ourselves. Any one of us could go ahead and play a few sports, learn a few instruments, and try extremely hard at school, but only a few parents would ever care that we do these things for them. Don't get me wrong, we do these things for ourselves too, you know, help us in life, blah blah blah, but they don't understand that we do these things to make you guys, the 'rents, proud of us. Ok, that was my bad, I made playing sports and learning how to play music, and trying extremely hard at school sound like a piece of cake. But ohhhhhh boy, do you guys have a lot to learn. It's a lot harder then it seems, I mean it seems hard in the first place right? EXACTLY. First of all we have to balance out these things and use our 'rents precciousssss money to pay for the lessons. BUT HEY, learning is HARD. I wish my 'rents would give me a little credit, and if not, a little respect here and there? The kid, (you know who I mean) gets whatever she wants. I mean it's not like my 'rents like her, well who knows they could, but it's probably because it'd make us look bad if we denied her something she wanted. So does that mean we just GIVE it to her? How would she like it if I got EVERY THING HANDED TO ME on an effing' diamond plate. Yea. That's right. And have you CONTRIBUTED shit to this family? Have you done anything that SHOWS you deserve shit at all? No, all you do is watch tv and rub it in my face that you can do whatever you want. Well, I work hard every effing' day, and this is what I GET? You know what, everyone can just suck it already. I am sick of feeling like I don't deserve anything, and that people can just push me around, and that I'm not worth respect or anything like that. I'm sick of taking people's shit. Someone wise once told me to say this....
Fuck it.

I Promise....

I promise that commenting on my blog will not lead to death or pain or any kind of cruelty.

Maybe, JUST MAYBE, it'll make the world a better place.

You think about that.

Name Please? Last Name, Child. First Name, Demon.

Long story short, our family's taking care of a kid that's not ours. It's a girl. It's not 8, but not quite 10. And how do I feel about our little bundle of joy? If I were to commit murder, what I would say to the jury is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But you don't understand, I mean she has NOOOOOO manners what-so-ever. And she thinks she's alwayssss right, and when she's upset she'll raise her voice, threaten to call her mom, and says we make her "mad to death". You want me to show you death? I will gladly show you the door to hell, as if you weren't already a citizen there. The worst part is that when she does something wrong, she just smiles and laughs and thinks that makes it ok.

Therapist in my head: And how does that make you feel?

Me: That depends. Should I commit suicide, or murder?

Therapist in my head: Maybe you should tell her how you feel.

Me: I'd have to rid the room of sharp objects first.

Therapist in my head: Oh my, maybe we need to get you some help dearie. *Reaches for a straightjacket*

Me: Help? HELP? HAHAHAHAHAH. Yes. That would be nice.

So as you can see, this kid has....."Got me on my kneeees, I beg you pleaseeeeee, stop playing gamessssssss."

God, I love Duffy and her song Mercy.

Is it still considered child abuse if it's 50% demon and 50% flesh and bones?
Oh....
It is?
$h!+

Does Visualizing Work?

So I have this hugeeee swim meet coming up on Friday, and jeez I am freaking out. I heard that if you visualize yourself swimming or whatever you'll feel better. So I was sitting in my chair, 'visualizing' myself in the pool and all I saw was Dive, Dive, Sink, Sink, Drown, Drown, Drown, CPR. My coach says I don't have good mentality. First I had to look up the word mentality. And then I decided he was right. I don't have any kind of confidence either. But who would? Once you see everyone in all the other lanes far far ahead of you, you don't exactly go, OMFG I COULD TOTALLY WHOOP THEIR ASSES FROM 20 YARDS BEHIND THEM. No. Not at all. You're just kind of like whoop-de-doo, whipped from the start. Then you pass out from being so tired and then you get yelled at for disappointing yourself and everyone else, then you cry a little and then you're like "Damn, shoulda done soccer." I am in no way looking foreword to this swim meet. But the bright side is that hey, if I drown, maybe a hot guy will give me CPR, right?

Don't Pop My Bubble, Dude.

Well it's back to the same old same old. I'm just trying to be fine. Isn't that such a vague word? Fine. How was your day? Fine. How are you? Fine. I'm kind of bothered by that word. Such passiveness and vagueness is annoying. Being bubbly and happy allllll the time can really wear a person out. I mean it's all the smiling and laughing and optimism that is like ohhmyyygodd I just want to scream from putting on this retarded little charade. Honestly I do want to be all happy and bubbly allll the time but it's like when something bad happens you want to like murder someone. But hey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions right?
So yes, the happy me will continue to be happy, because being all upset and pissy and sad all the time will only bring other people down, and in return the Karma Gods are going to shoot me with a bolt of lightning and I will die. Basically, being happy is the only way live. Literally.
I occupy my mind with a billion other things now. I have swimming to worry about. OHMYGOD. THAT REMINDS ME. SWIMMING TOTALLY SUCKS. OH NO WAIT, THAT'S JUST ME. Swim meet = suicide.

Listening To: Ten Days By: Missy Higgins

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I could do is to scrape away at the skin on my body. It's not a big deal, it's not like I'm killing myself. Skin heals, it's not a statement to anybody. It's just how I feel, and it's written on my body, every pent up emotion *cut* every unwanted memory *cut* for every day stuck in this God forsaken hole with out happiness *cut cut cut*. And before you know it, you're staring at all the glowing pink lines on your wrists thinking, Damn it's over. But little girl, you don't know how wrong you are. You're far past the start, and you're too far away from the edge, you're standing in the middle with no where to go. You're thoughts aren't "I don't know if I can do it." they're "I don't know if I can't do it." And yes, it does scare me that I think that. But for some reason it's comforting to know that I have an outlet. I think my stubborness is controlling me, saying that I refuse to feel better until what I need to happen, happens. And the cuts on my wrists just represent the fact that it probably won't.
So, am I sorry I did?
Honestly I don't know.
If someone could save me, right now would be the right time.

Promises Are Lies and Lies Are Just Goals.

So you know how I spent post after post talking about my dream boyfriend(:

Well he broke up with me :'(

And it was because he thinks he's not ready for like a relationship and/or that he's a bad boyfriend.

But dude.

He's not.

And I don't know. Even though it's technically "not my fault" it still feels like it is. Like I could've done something to prevent this. And you know the fucked up part is that it takes 2 people to have a relationship, but it only takes one person to break up the relationship. What happened to my say in this? Oh right, I don't have a say in this. I feel as if everything I ever cared about totally got ripped right out of me. Like this was some cruel joke. To get exactly what I wanted and more just to have it thrown away and burned in this horrible fire. :(

He was the best boyfriend I ever had :] . I hope someone soon will come and save me, and rescue me from this horrific life. I wish it was him, but honestly, he knows it's not him, which makes me feel like all the time and the love and everything I put into this whole thing was worth SHIT. I know he's happier without me, which makes me feel like a loser. A fucked up loser. I deserve far less, and God knows that, and so does everyone else, and that is exactly what I'm going to get.